The Winter Blahs

I guess that's what I'm suffering from. We've had several days, maybe even a week now without sunshine. As I'm sitting here writing this, the sun is finally beginning to come through the clouds. I can see bits of blue sky beginning to appear as well.

Since being diagnosed with depression and PTSD, I have had more trouble with dreary, cloudy rainy days than in my entire life. I love a good raging storm. I love watching storms. It's when the rain and clouds carry on for several days that gets to me. I didn't use to crave the sun, it's warmth, the feel of it on my face. Now I do.

That's just another part of me that has changed since Keith's death. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I know that I can't let that need overpower me, although this week I haven't done a very good job at forcing myself through it. I've been tired, cranky, grumpy, moody, lazy...goodness! I sound like I have the Seven Dwarfs living with me!

I know that I shouldn't be too hard on myself.  The PTSD flare up last week has carried over into this week. I'm dealing with it, but as with any type of big emotional episodes, it wears me out. This one isn't any different, and the yucky weather has just added to it. I have been in touch with MLCs. They all tell me that the way I am feeling is perfectly normal and I just need to give myself some time. Of course, that's nothing new to hear. That's what they've been telling me for 2 1/2 years. Healing takes time. Heart wounds take a LONG time to heal.

I'm not patient. I don't want to hear that. I don't like hearing that. UGH! I really do believe that God is stretching me again. It seems that every day for the last several (I lost count!) something related to me being patient and WAITING on God has come to light. I don't know the reason for the stretching, but then, I'm not God so I don't have to know.

He is definitely wanting me to be still and wait on Him. I'm trying, but it is difficult. In talking with one of MLCs last night, he suggested that I begin praying for God to sustain me through this period of waiting and stretching. Praying for sustenance. Hmmm. I have always thought of sustenance as food, nourishment, provisions for the physical body. I guess I've never really thought of needing sustenance for other parts of my "body"...emotional, mental, spiritual.

I know that I have prayed for God to give me a sense of peace when life has been in turmoil. I have prayed for God to carry me through a day or an event. I haven't ever thought to "label" these prayers and others like them. When MLC suggested praying for God to sustain me, I realized that I have been praying like that for a very long time. I realized last night that I need to add another topic to my conversations with God.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm praying for God to sustain me through this time of stretching and waiting.

I'm not patient. I have a feeling this is going to be difficult for me to get used to.