Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Another year gone

It has been a little while since my last post. I have been on a blogging break. I just could not put what I was feeling into words. Then there was also the busyness that threatened to consume me. That did not create a very good recipe for my blog.

Christmas is done. I managed fine. We actually had a nice and quiet day. That was exactly what I needed. I got through Christmas by giving myself permission not to decorate or kill myself trying to make everything into MY idea of a perfect Christmas. For 13 years, Christmas time has been a struggle. For 5 years, Christmas time has been one of the hardest times of the year for me. Thanks to my counselor, I realized why I have tried to come up with this "ideal" Christmas each year. I have been trying to make up for the bad ones, make up for the bad news that has come during the holiday season, make up for the Christmases that might not happen. My counselor helped me to realize that it was okay for me to be tired and to not have the energy to decorate. It was okay to not do everything that we have always done. Just because we left something off or left something out, it didn't mean that this Christmas would be any less. It was actually more enjoyable for me to simply be able to rest. I don't think the kids noticed what we didn't have or didn't do this season. I know that I really enjoyed the fact that taking down the Christmas tree (the only Christmas decoration) only took about an hour...maybe less.

I sit here with just under an hour and a half until 2009. I can hardly believe that another year has gone by. I would like to ask where it went, but I know. A large majority of our year was spent in doctors offices, waiting rooms, and treatment areas. I am ready for 2008 to be over, but I'm not sure that I'm quite ready for what 2009 might have in store. I know that it's coming no matter what. I am trying to place all of my doubts and fears about the new year in God's hands.

I don't like making New Year's resolutions. Most of the time I don't. I'm not making any this year either, but I do want to share a couple of things that I am thinking about. One thing is trying to be better at placing things in God's hands and LEAVING THEM ALONE. That's a BIG problem for me. Another thing is that I want to be able to accept my limitations. I want to try to accept the fact that I can't be Superwoman, Supermom, and Superwife all the time. I probably can't even be that part of the time. The fact is I'm too tired. Having a husband and a son with cancer is exhausting at times. I want to accept that I am doing the best that I can. There will be time some day for me to do other things. I want to be satisfied that this is God's plan for me right now.

All of these some what random thoughts might not make sense, but they are what's circling around inside my head tonight.

I hope that as one year ends and a new one begins, that everyone will be able to find lots of blessings, love, and happiness.

Happy New Year!

God Bless You,

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Christmas is here!

Christmas is here and I'm not ready. I'm not ready in the physical sense. There seems to be so much to do and I just don't have the time or the energy to do it! I'm not ready in the spiritual sense either. I know I should really give myself a break. It isn't like I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I just want to be able to love Christmas again. This time of year is difficult. I've mentioned it before, but the closer it gets the harder it is for me to enjoy it. I have to force myself. When I'm in church or able to take the time to just listen to some Christmas hymns, I'm good. I can feel the excitement, the awe, the joy that is Christmas. However, when I'm away from church or turn off the hymns, the good seems to vanish and the exhaustion creeps back in.

I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way about the holidays. I know of several people who are having to go through this Christmas as "the first" without their child or spouse. I can remember the first Christmas after my dad died. It was hard, harder than I ever imagined it could be. Looking back, I realized if it was that hard when it was my dad and I was already an adult, how hard it must be when it is your spouse or your child.

That is one aspect of living with cancer or some other life threatening disease that is so hard. We don't know how many more Christmases we will have together. I know that no one really knows how much time they have. When you are dealing with something that you KNOW has a time limit, like terminal cancer, time becomes tangible. Time becomes more than the ticking of the clock. Time becomes a living and breathing thing. It becomes something that you want to hold onto desperately and never let go of. Time is something that you don't want to waste. It is something that you hold so precious. No matter how hard you try there never seems to be enough of it. Time continues to slip away.

I've started and stopped this post several times. I can't seem to put my thoughts into the right words. I guess the bottom line is that I'm having a tough time this season. It is tough to have to remind yourself why we are celebrating Christmas. It is tough to try to keep from focusing on all of the bad. It is tough when you are too tired to decorate the way you used to. Right now life seems tougher than I am.

I'm in "get through it" mode. That is one thing that I am really good at. The last 13 years, for certain the last 5, have given me lots of practice.

I would love to enjoy Christmas again.

Maybe someday.