Tuesday, June 30, 2009

There are days when...

There are days when I just can't go or do anymore.

There are days when my heart breaks to watch Keith continue to fight the good fight, and not gain any ground.

There are days when my hopes soar and my faith is strong.

There are days when I feel as if our time with Keith here on earth is coming closer to the end.

There are days when I wish my faith were stronger.

There are days when I wish I had the cure for cancer.

There are days when I wish I could ask God why.

There are days when my heart breaks it is so full of love for my family.

There are days when my heart simply breaks.

There are days when I can't wait for tomorrow.

There are days when I want to hold onto today forever.

There are days I never want to relive.

There are days I wish I could relive.

There are days filled with the mundane that we all take for granted.

I didn't know what I was going to write when I opened this post. I just knew that I needed to write something. It's been too long. I've started and stopped at least two posts since the last one. I've deleted them. I've been trying to sort out what has been going on with Keith and everything else. One realization I have come to is that our life right now is very difficult.

Our life when compared to one year ago has undergone a dramatic change...again. It's happened before, and I'm sure it will happen again. In the last year, Keith's health has changed for the worse. I've become a single parent in all but the truest sense of the word. Keith is here, but he isn't well enough to participate most days.

I find that when I look at him, I wonder how much longer. I don't like living this way. I know that only God knows the amount of time each of us has left on this earth. When I see the effects of the cancer, chemo, and radiation on Keith's body, the realization of exactly how fragile the human body is becomes quite clear to me. There are times when I simply marvel at how our bodies bounce back from some very hard knocks. God is truly amazing.

As of late though, my thoughts haven't been that optimistic. My faith doesn't feel that strong. I'm sad. My heart breaks just a little more with each passing day that Keith seems to get sicker.

I wish I could post something uplifting and optimistic, but I just don't have it in me tonight. Neither Keith nor I are sleeping a whole lot. He is up coughing a lot during the night. I'm up when he's up. Being optimistic is difficult when you're tired to your core.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23