Sunday, May 24, 2009

It is well

I realized this morning in church, while singing with the choir during our special "I Believe in a Hill Called Mount Calvary", that I truly do believe in that hill called Mount Calvary. I'll believe no matter the cost. And when time has surrendered and earth is no more, I'll still cling to that old rugged cross.

I was truly so moved that I had to fight tears. The realization that even through these storms that seem to consume my life every day, I'll believe no matter what. Nothing can shake me or take me away from the foot of that cross.

I was then overcome with another realization when our invitation hymn was sung. Our invitation hymn was "It Is Well With My Soul", which happens to be one of my favorites. My realization was that my soul truly is well. Again, even though I feel storm tossed, battered and bruised, it is well with my soul. But another step further: It is well with my soul, because I believe in a hill called Mount Calvary.

I am truly over come with the love that God has for me and my family. I have been trying to just make it through each and every day. Each and every day, it seems to get harder and more difficult...except today. I feel renewed today. I feel like I can face tomorrow, as long as I am standing in the shadow of that cross.

God is so great and so good.

I hope that you have a blessed week, and that all is well with your soul too.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Another day

Today is a new day. I am trying to keep reminding myself of this everyday. I really want to get past this whiny mind set I seem to be in lately. I know that everything I'm feeling right now is most likely rooted in the simple fact that I am tired. The couple of months before Keith's seizure were so busy. On the day of Keith's seizure, I had finally begun to catch up on some missed sleep, catch up on some much needed housework, catch up on spending one on one time with Kacie. For the last month,(WOW! It's been a month since Keith's seizure!) I feel like I have been "on" constantly.

I knew that things would change after THE DAY. I knew that Keith wouldn't be able to drive for 6 months. I knew that things would be hard before they would even begin to get better. I did not know how tiring driving ALL the time would be. I did not know how afraid I would be to leave Keith alone, even for me to take a shower.

There are so many things I did not know about. That may sound strange, but for me it's not. There is so much that I know, because I have been living this life for so many years. There are things I know that would make lesser men cringe. There are things I have had to help doctors and nurses do to my child that NO mother should have to endure. Why did I do it? Let me answer a question with a question. Would you be able to sit by and let YOUR child endure something painful and scary ALONE, WITHOUT HIS MOTHER HOLDING HIS HAND? I don't know about you, but I couldn't. It hurt me too much. If I still had breath left in me, my child would not be alone. There has only been one time that I couldn't handle what the doctors were doing. Thankfully, Keith was right there. He stepped in, took Nick's hand and held on until I could pull myself together. To this day, almost 13 years later, that still bothers me. I am so glad that Keith was right there.

I do believe that I am fed up with cancer and the fact that it has been living in my house for so long. I think I understand when people say that they long for heaven. I do. I long for that mansion in the sky. I long for the time when my family is no longer afflicted by the demon that is cancer. I long for the day when I can meet Jesus face to face and thank HIM for saving me from my sins. I long for the day when I can watch my children meet Jesus and KNOW that I had a part in their salvation. I long for the day when my husband and son are whole. Their bodies are no longer scarred and burdened from the fight. I long for the day when my daughter doesn't have to be afraid of being separated from me for a long time.

Jesus said "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.

That's a reminder for me as well. I come to the King with my weariness, and He will give me rest.

I know that He has gone to prepare a place for me.

"If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:3

So, today is another day. Keith had radiation treatment # 13 and started chemo again. I am weary and heavy-laden, but Christ will give me rest. I long for heaven and He has prepared a place for me. One Scripture gives me fuel to get through today, while the second gives me hope for the future.

Thank you God!


Saturday, May 9, 2009

I'm trying

There has been so much happening that I've had a difficult time sorting through it all. Most days I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.

Keith has been handling the radiation treatments very well. I think he is handling them better than me sometimes. His hair started falling out in HUGE clumps on my birthday. So, I took him outside and buzzed about 85% of his hair off before we left for that morning's radiation. Bless him. He apologized for his hair falling out on my birthday. I hadn't even thought about that connection. I told him it was okay. It wasn't like he planned it. No more than he planned to have a seizure, quit breathing, go unconscious, scare me and the kids, spend 3 nights in the hospital, have three brain tumors, and need radiation. Whew! I needed to get that off my chest.

I keep repeating to myself that I'm okay or I'm going to be okay. Eventually, I hope I will believe it. On one level, I know that I am okay. I know that God is there seeing me through every single step of the way. That is the only level where I am certain that I am okay. All other levels are questionable. I am so tired: physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably spiritually. I haven't had any down all. Being so tired that it falls into the category of weary is a hard place to be. I am weary. I am weary of standing by and watching as my husband and son fight cancer. I am weary of not being able to fix this. I am weary, because Keith has been sick for 5 1/2 years. I am weary, because cancer has lived in my house for 13 1/2 years.

Then there's the fact that I know my husband is sick enough that he could die from this disease. I don't go there often, but I've been there a lot lately. I guess seeing him turn blue when he couldn't breathe during the seizure made me realize exactly how precarious his life really truly is sometimes. I know that God allowed me to be there when the seizure happened. I wasn't home two hours earlier. I know that God allowed me to catch Keith and keep his head from hitting the concrete floor or the edge of the counter top in the kitchen. I know God kept me in control when Keith wasn't breathing. I know God kept my kids from panicking when I needed them the most. I know God helped me to remember the first aid I learned 15 years ago and never took the refresher course. I know God has been with us every step of the way.

I don't know why God hasn't healed my husband and my son of the very disease that has robbed us of so much. I just don't know. I don't expect answers, because there aren't any. Only God holds the answers to my questions. He will answer them in His time, not mine.

I also know that I am incredibly tired. Instead of continuing this post that has ended up being full of my whining, I am going to put my kids to bed and then put myself to bed.

We've had a weekend full of family. My brother, his wife, and their son drove in from Arkansas yesterday for Mother's Day. We'll all get together one last time in the morning for an early breakfast. Then they'll head home, and Keith, the kids, and I will head to church.

Keith starts back on chemo on Monday. He has three more radiation treatments. I'm trying to be okay.