Wednesday, August 26, 2009

One step forward, two steps back

I have learned so many things about my self, my life as a spouse and a mom, my God, and my grief on this road that I've been traveling on since July 7.

Grief is indeed one step forward and two steps back. There are peaks and there are valleys. There are lots of times when it a simply a roller coaster ride through a dark tunnel and you can't see what is coming next.

The kids have gotten full swing into school. They seem to be adjusting very well. They have gotten involved with a grief counselor for children and the age appropriate support groups that go along with that. They are having a wonderful time with the new found friends.

I am trying each day to take one small step forward. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next several months, but I do know that God is there with me the entire way.

That's all I'm posting for now. The words just won't come, and the grief is swamping me today. It's Nick's 15th birthday today. It's another first. It's a hard day for me. I'm having to work very hard at keeping my grief from overtaking Nick's joy.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Something shifted

We are doing...okay. Yesterday marked one month since Keith died. In many ways I can not believe that it has been that long already, but on the other hand I find myself asking, "Has it only been one month?"

I think the kids have been dealing with Keith's death pretty well. Nick is more difficult to "read" than Kacie. Nick seems to be burying his grief at times. I have found that if I watch how he treats his sister, I can usually tell when the grief has built up and needs to be released. Then it's almost like ripping off a band aid too quick. It hurts like crazy for a little while, but then it's off (or out since it's grief). I ended up making Nick talk to me about his dad last night, mainly because I was at my wits end on how to deal with his aggressive behavior toward his sister. He began to cry as soon as he started talking about Keith. I really think he has been holding his grief in for some reason. I guess I'm going to have to watch closer and make sure that I "make" him face it from time to time.

Onto the reason for my title. Something shifted with me during the night. I guess it's probably another level of healing, but who knows. I do know that my heart feels lighter this morning than it has for several days...possibly weeks. I feel like I CAN do this. I have really struggled with the feeling of being overwhelmed and wondering how I was going to do this. I still don't know how I'm going to do this, but I KNOW that I CAN. That is a God thing.

God has made His presence so completely KNOWN to me since right before Keith died (literally moments or maybe hours). I am amazed at His grace and mercy. I am amazed at how often He lets us know He is RIGHT THERE WITH US. We only have to open ourselves to be able to see it and to feel it. The protecting and loving arms are always there ready and waiting. I'm so glad He's MY Savior!

I am still grieving. I am grieving hard too. I never let myself fully believe that Keith and I wouldn't be spending the rest of our earthly lives together. I fully believed that God would give him earthly healing...even up to the very end. I don't know why God chose to take Keith home early, but I do know it's not for me to understand. I hate that my kids are hurting the way they are and I can't do anything about it. I love that Keith is FINALLY cancer free! He has been cancer free for 32 days. His wish has come true.

Keith wished for a lot of things. One thing he wanted most in this world was to be a father. God granted him that wish two times over. Keith was a great father. Another non-material wish he had was to be free of the cancer. God granted Keith that wish as well. The struggle is in accepting the way the wish was granted. The struggle is for those of us who knew and loved Keith and are here without him. That struggle is not Keith's. What an answer to prayer!

I'm done for now. I don't know if I'll post more later, but I might. Thank you for praying for us and lifting us up. We are truly able to do this because of God's grace and mercy.

Still in His grip...even in the valley!