Wednesday, July 29, 2009

22 days

Yesterday marked three weeks without my husband PHYSICALLY by my side. Today is 22 days. The beginning of the fourth week without my spouse. I can honestly say that I am struggling. I have been struggling against this latest wave of grief, that is continually crashing down over me, for almost 4 days now. There have been moments during these last four days when the wave has receded just enough for me to catch my breath before it swamps me again.

The comparison to waves is the best way I know to describe the way my grief is behaving. It is very much wave-like. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes, it is high tide. Other times, it is low tide. Many times, I'm just out in it and it is crashing all around me. In those times, I'm doing my darnedest to simply tread water to keep from going under.

My counselor has assured me that all of this is perfectly normal in the grieving process. I've also known for quite some time that I have been grieving for a long time. I have been grieving for years. Grieving the life that Keith and I lost when he was diagnosed with cancer. I grieved EVERY time we got bad news. The difference between then and now is that now the grief is COMPLETE. It is total grief...not just bits and pieces.

I wasn't prepared for the sadness and loneliness to be so strong and overwhelming. Both of those emotions are the most difficult to deal with. When they are both swamping me at the same time, that's when I'm probably at my lowest. That's the point when even treading water is a struggle.

I am truly depending on God to see me through this time in my life. I am depending on God to see the children through this time in their lives. I can't. This is something that is beyond me. All I can think right now is that I will walk by faith and try to remain at the foot of the cross.

I'm still in His grip, ESPECIALLY when I'm in the valley.


Monday, July 20, 2009

Time and patience

The kids seem to be doing better at adjusting to our life without Keith than me. They are such troopers. Nick and Kacie truly amaze me.

I am good sometimes and not so good sometimes. I never know when either time will be. Sometimes the grief just completely swamps me and takes me under. Other times I'm pretty okay...relatively speaking. However, when the times are bad, they tend to be really bad. One night recently, I just could not stop crying. The kids had had a massive water spill that flooded the bathroom and soaked the hallway carpet. We cleaned it up and had a lesson on knowing when to ask for help. I tucked them in and sat down at the computer and proceeded to cry. I simply could not stop. Kacie got worried. (She could see me from her room.) I hated worrying her, so I called my mom. Mom came and spent the night and the entire next day with me. I was swamped that night.

My motto of late has been time and patience. I've told the kids that what we all need to give each other, but I will need an extra dose sometimes...all the time.

My prayer every morning is simply, "Lord carry me through today, because I can't do it." That's the truth too. I simply can't do it. I don't know how come I'm getting up everyday. I don't know how I'm able to do anything. I don't know, except that it's God wrapping me up tight in the grace and mercy that only He can give.

I understand so much more about things now than I did before Keith died. I wish I hadn't been so blind to them. I can see God's hands and His plans so much more clearly now. I wish it could have been different.

Grieving is hard work. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. One bad part is it's unpredictability. You can't prepare for the hit. You don't know from which direction it will come.

Please continue to pray for us. Losing Keith is the hardest thing I have ever done or faced. From me, that's saying a lot since I've done so much hard during the last 13 years.

I'm sorry for the rambling, but that's how my brain is operating these days. I've been told that's a normal side effect of grief as well.

Until next time!


Friday, July 10, 2009

Today is the day

Today is the day that I bury my husband. Tomorrow is the day we would have been married 17 years.

In the midst of the worst pain and grief I have ever experienced, I have said to my nearest and dearest, "I don't know how to do this."

And I don't.

It's just that simple. I don't. One thing I have realized is that God can do everything that I can't. Ok, yeah I knew this, but sometimes in the midst of all of the pain and grief that knowledge disappears.

It took me until last night, when I walked into the room where the shell of my wonderful, amazing, God fearing, God loving, family comes first husband lay to realize that I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE HE'S NOT HERE! That is just the shell that held him. I was truly okay for the first time in a long time.

Today is going to be hard, and I wish things were different. I wish I could have him here with me right this very second, but if he couldn't be here with me and be well I would rather him be in heaven. That's the honest truth.

Keith was not a selfish man by any definition of the word. How can I be selfish and deny him EVERY Christian's desire to see those nail scarred hands and walk along the streets of gold.

In times past, I have known a peace that passes understanding. Now I have known the true peace that passes ALL understanding. I praise God for that.

The kids and I are in His grip right now and always.