In grief group, it is often mentioned that the days leading up to a holiday/special day are worse than the actual day itself. As the last 16 1/2 months have passed, I understand what that means. I have actually experienced that as well. Today, as I mark time until the second Thanksgiving arrives, I find it to be the opposite.
I was really looking forward to Thanksgiving last week. I'm not anymore. Now I find myself thinking about it being just another holiday without Keith. I've made it through all of the firsts. The rest of them are just designed to cause me more hurt, more heartache, more grief, more pain.
Oh yeah...it's going to be that kind of post. It's the way I am feeling tonight. I'm really having a tough time right now. The last few days have been tough and it seems that there is no real end in sight. I have been through a lot during the last week. I was buying and selling a house. Now I'm not. Nick had a sick episode one night that might be the cancer acting up. I literally made myself sick with worry before I could reign it in. Kacie had an episode of sick that caused problems with her asthma. That caused me quite a bit of worry and to lose some sleep too. I went to my first wedding since Keith died. The wedding was beautiful and brought back some wonderful memories for me, but then the pain snuck in later. Now I'm not sleeping much at all.
Now I am angry. I am angry that Keith died. I am angry that things haven't gotten easier with time, but more difficult. I am angry. I am angry. I AM ANGRY!
I had my session with MLC today. He is glad to see that I am finally expressing some more anger. I have had some episodes with anger since Keith died. The episodes have been draining, but necessary. After all, anger is one of the stages of grief. Apparently, it is one of those emotions with grief that don't come with a time table. I guess none of the grief emotions come with a timetable. MLC thinks that every time I have experienced one of these major emotional dips in the last year +, I have reached a new level of healing. I don't see it, but I guess he would.
MLC isn't worried about me getting through this next several days. I'm not worried either. I just want it to hurry up and be over. I want the whole holiday season to hurry up and be over. I am not convinced that the first was the worst.
1 comment:
I'm glad to find your blog. I think they serve a very good purpose as well as a look back over time at life's progression.
Latley, I've been in a worry mood. Worry that I'm going to lose Roger. I guess it comes from having so many friends in the last two years lose their spouse...you being one and knowing the grief to be so overwhelming. I almosy can't enjoy anything for worrying it will all be over. Isn't this silly? I am so ashamed at myself. I should be so grateful and that's th eproblem. I DO feel grateful but almost remorse that I still have my spouse and my friends don't. I think of what it would be like and I can't imagine having to face death of my Roger. I'm praying about it because I know this is the Devil attacking me, trying to steal my joy.
Roger and I just lost a wonderful friend on Sat., Ken Prater was the Vo-Ag teacher at Sparkman for over 20 yrs and he died Sat. after a 3 yr. battle with colon cancer.
His ex wife was causing Ken so much anxiety 4 yrs. ago that he attributed all his symptoms to stress. If he had gone to check them out earlier, Ken would still be here. He was the most godly man I ever knew. His wife decided after 20 yrs. of marriage that she hadn't gotten to experience "life" and just snapped...started bar hopping, drinking, staying out late, and eventually having affairs. There were 2 teenage girls in the house while all this was going on.
Needless to say, the exwife was not in any picture at the funeral. Ken was so devastated over her betrayal that it literally killed him. Ken was Chairman of the Deacons and resigned when this happened. The wife was teaching SS!! Ken was embarrassed. angry, hurt, etc... Oh what a web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
I think of you often and wish so much that I could make the hurt go away for you. I'm amazed at how you push forward amid the fears of Nick's cancer. Heaven will be a rest for you...can you imagine not having to worry???
I will be praying for you tonight and throughout this week as God brigs you to my mind.
Blessings
Jane
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