18 Years

By the time I finish writing this, the day will have become July 11, 2010. It will be my 18th wedding anniversary. While technically it is not the first anniversary since Keith's death, it is the first one that I can say I have truly felt. I did not feel anything last year, other than the shock and numbness that comes in the immediate days that follow the death of a spouse. In case you're counting, yes, Keith's funeral was the day before our 17th wedding anniversary last year. He died four days before our anniversary.

How am I tonight? In all honesty...I am weary and worn down. The depression is acting up a little bit. I wish I could skip tomorrow. I already feel a tremendous amount of sadness and grief and the day isn't even here yet. I miss my husband with an intensity I didn't think still existed within me after so many months.

All day long today, wonderful (yet bittersweet) memories have found their way into my thoughts in the quiet times. I don't need to look at the pictures or watch the video, because I have them all in my mind. Remembering things about the day we became Mr and Mrs Baxley that I haven't thought of in years. Remembering the fluttering of my heart as my dad led me down the aisle. Remembering that special grin on Keith's face as he took my hand. Remembering the way his hands shook as he placed the ring on my finger. Remembering, remembering, remembering.

Memories are all I have left to see me through now. It's difficult knowing that Keith won't be giving me flowers tomorrow. Knowing that when the anniversaries are recognized at church in the morning, ours won't be one of them. Knowing that I won't give him a small gift that comes straight from my heart.

It's very difficult to accept that the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, is no longer on this earth to share this very special day with me. This day that is ours.

It is another day that I am counting down the hours until it is over. It is another day, among several recent days, that my heart wound is bleeding. It is another day that it feels like this wound might be the one that never ceases to bleed. The wound that will never heal. It is another day that I truly have to depend on God to see me through it, because I simply can not. It's just too hard.

I am definitely remaining in His grip today.