Hurting

My heart is hurting. It has been for several days. The pain has been so intense I have not even been able to give voice to it. Everything is so jumbled up in my heart and my mind. I can't seem to make sense of it all.

January 7 marked six months since Keith's passing. I've blogged about these anniversaries as they have passed. I didn't this time. I wish I could say it was because I have healed enough that I am not marking time anymore. I can not though. I haven't blogged about it, because I haven't fully acknowledged the reality of it.

I'm pretty sure that has something to do with my heart hurting. Every beat of my heart hurts...aches for my husband. I ache with an intensity I never thought possible. I ask God several times a day how I am going to endure this. I ask God several times a day to carry me, because I just can't. I beg God to numb the pain...just a little.

It hasn't hurt this bad everyday in a while. I don't know what has made it so bad this time around. MLC says that it is probably related to a new level of reality settling in. I just know that it hurts.

Don't worry. This isn't the depression. It's simply grief, although there is nothing simple about grief. Grief is hard work and it takes a lot of effort to get through it.

Six months. Half of a year. I remember when 6 months meant the end of the prescribed chemo regimen. That six months was a reason to celebrate, to wait on with anticipation, a chance to return to our life before cancer invaded. This time six months is not something I want to celebrate. I am sad that it is here. It means that our life will never return to the way it was before cancer invaded.

Six months. Half of a year.