Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Venting and raging

This post is a hard one for me. I am trying to be open and honest about my feelings, because I believe that is what God wants me to do in order for His Light to truly shine through me. So, get your big girl (or boy) pants on. This is going to be very open and very honest.

In some of my previous posts, I wrote about the heart ache and hurt I have been feeling or sometimes not allowing myself to fully feel. Yesterday, I met with MLC for another session. This was only my second session with him since right before Christmas and New Years. I didn't know yesterday during my session what was to come later in the day. In my session, MLC and I began addressing my aching heart and the depth of the sadness I am feeling.

I usually try not to come home right after my sessions with MLC primarily because my emotions are raw and very much on the surface. Coming home and facing my empty house while everything is so fresh and raw is very hard on me. Yesterday was different though. I didn't really have anywhere I needed to go other than Sam's Club for just a few things. I did that, and came on home. I didn't even get the things out of my SUV. I just came in the house. I sat down on my bed and started to cry. The crying led to screaming, which continued with more crying. I was having a good ol fit that I reigned in when the phone rang. See, it is against my nature to let the phone go unanswered, even though I have caller ID, voice mail, and an answering machine. I know I'm a little OCD that way.

I never went back to my venting yesterday. I primed some more of my bathroom instead. It was later in the afternoon when I just got angry...really angry. I don't know exactly at what, but I think that was what I was working on venting that didn't fully get vented when I shut it down. I stayed angry all evening until I went to bed. It wasn't an anger that I took out on anyone other than myself really. I just couldn't stand to be in my skin, yet I didn't allow myself the freedom to let it out either.

I didn't necessarily feel angry right away this morning. After I got the kids to school this morning, I was home alone once again. Loneliness is a big part of my grief that I still have trouble adjusting to. I came in the house, sat on my bed, and began to cry. As I was crying, I felt like I was consumed by a massive amount of, not anger, but rage. A rage that was (and still is) frightening to me. I have never felt so much rage in me before...ever. I felt paralyzed by it. Everything that I touched I thought about throwing or smashing.

I called MLC IMMEDIATELY, because I was so frightened by what I was feeling. He was able to give me some very good direction and advice on how to deal with everything that I was feeling. He was able to help me understand some of the "why's" of what I was feeling. One thing MLC was VERY FIRM on was that I could not vent my rage in anyway that would hurt myself or someone else. I knew this, but it was very good to hear it from someone else.

After we ended our call, I began to cry again. This time I was praying too. I KNEW that I needed God to provide me with an outlet for the rage that was consuming me. HE alone was the only ONE who was safe with me during my rage. I got out a garbage bag and decided I was going to destroy some of the funeral plants that are almost dead. On my way back into the living room to attack the plants, my attention settled on my basket full of magazines that have already been read, but not thrown away or given away yet.

I fully believe that God led me to that basket of magazines. I began to tear up those magazines. Some page by page, others by ripping in half. I tore up these old magazines for most of an hour. I tore up, ripped up, screamed, yelled, and cried for most of an hour. I was utterly exhausted when I was finally finished. I made enough of a mess to fill up over half of a tall kitchen garbage bag. I did make myself eat some lunch and rest until it was time to get the kids home.

How am I now? Well, I'm tired. The rough edges of my rage are smoothed out. I don't know that it is finished, but I am no longer paralyzed by it. I am totally in control of my emotions. I no longer feel the need to smash or break something. I have a session scheduled with MLC tomorrow morning. I'm pretty sure this will be a major topic during our time together.

Please continue to pray for me. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

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