My blog absence has not been from being too busy. It has been from dealing with grief that has been so intense I have needed to do some private journaling.
A few nights ago, I woke up several times just overwhelmed with grief missing Keith. It didn't send me spiraling into another big episode of depression, but there are a few rough edges that I'm not too sure about. I took MLC's advice and allowed myself to feel the grief, the sadness, the emptiness, and the loneliness that Keith's death has caused. A portion of allowing these feelings to surface and be dealt with was to write in my private journal.
It helped. Writing here helps as well. I didn't realize until I was dealing with these very deep, very intense feelings that this wasn't an episode I wanted to share publicly...right then. Some day I might. Right now, it's just too raw...too much...too intense...too personal.
The further into this first year I get the more I realize that dealing with grief isn't getting any easier. I've had well meaning souls tell me the second 6 months is easier than the first. Well, I'm not even through the first full month of the second 6 months and it isn't getting any easier. If anything, it's harder. The blinders are off. Realization has fully kicked in.
I have learned that I traded being a full time caregiver for the love of my life to being a full time single parent to a teenager and a preteen. At least when I was Keith's caregiver, I had another adult in the house. He still helped with the parenting to the very end.
I'm ending abruptly, because more grief has reared it's head. I've got to go cry for a little while.
Pray for me to be at peace.