I am finally better. The terribleness (is that a word?) of Friday is finally gone and I feel so much better. I am not in the dark pit of depression and I don't feel quite so fragile.
I don't want to go into a lot of detail about my episode of depression. It is very difficult for me to go back to that place. I do want to share that I felt God's presence with me during the darkest parts. He truly answered my pleas for help and kept me from completely falling into abyss.
Depression is very scary. In the worst of it Friday, it felt like my mind was turning on me. I don't ever want to experience that again.
There are still a few left overs from Friday, but I can deal with that.
I met with MLC for a session yesterday. We talked about the possibility that my antidepressant is not working as well as it could. We also talked about the possibility that this was just a break through episode of depression that could be a result of all of the emotional stress caused by the holidays and Nick's upcoming visit to Birmingham (which is tomorrow BTW).
MLC gave me some more tools to help me in a time of crisis should it occur again. He is watching me VERY closely for signs that the depression is indeed becoming uncontrolled. He really wants to give me time to get through whatever happens tomorrow. He wants me to have some "down time" emotionally to see how I respond and react.
The holiday season was indeed very stressful for me. I checked my emotions into Happyville. I didn't let myself feel very many of the emotions that came with this being our first Christmas season without Keith. Now that the holidays are over, maybe I can find some solid footing and address my emotions.
My Lovely Doctor and I have also talked about my episode of depression. I'll go in for a check up in three weeks. I can always go sooner if I have another bad episode.
Thank you for the prayers. I truly felt the hand of God holding me and keeping me safe from harm.
Pray for us tomorrow as we journey to Birmingham once again. The activity of the cancer and the need for surgery and/or chemo will be assessed. Tomorrow is a big day.
We are ready to be free from the bonds of cancer. December marked 14 years that we have been on this journey with Nick.
In His Grip,