Sunday, January 31, 2010

The last day of the first month

Today is the last day of the first month of the first full year I will spend without Keith. I know, that's a mouth full. I have finally been able to stop counting the days only to start keeping track of this entire new year.

My grief has been so heavy the last few days. I don't know of a specific trigger. I don't know when it will lessen. I just know that I cry very easily. I know that I miss Keith so much that my pain is physical.

I wish I could be on the other side of this journey. I know that it is God's plan at work here, not mine. I know that God has a purpose for all of this. I just can't see it. I don't understand it. I have a difficult time answering the kids when they don't understand why God called their dad home so soon in their lives.

I guess this is what having faith means. Believing in what you can not see. I do believe. I don't know how I would be able to withstand 14 years worth of storms without my faith and belief in God Almighty. I don't know how to answer my kids when I don't understand. I don't know why God's plan was to take Keith home when we still needed him the most. All I have for an answer is faith. Have faith. Don't be afraid, God is here. I tell myself this over and over and over again.

It is difficult to convince myself that God is here when I feel so alone. It is difficult to convince myself that I can do this that is my life without Keith by my side. It is difficult to be me on a daily basis. All I know to do is have faith.

I am tired of feeling so defeated and sad. I actually wanted to cheer today. I completely finished all of the laundry and it only took me two days. I finished it before the hamper was full again. That's something you can't understand unless you've been there. I have felt so overwhelmed by EVERYTHING that I haven't been able to keep up with anything. I got the laundry done. I felt so successful today just because I got the laundry done. I hope this feeling of success will carry through to tomorrow and I can complete another task.

I have to take it day by day. Sometimes it's ten minutes at a time. Beyond that is just too overwhelming.

Today is the last day of the first month of the first full year. Next Sunday is seven months.

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