Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Vastly different

This is another one of those posts that I didn't finish, but I am going to share anyway. I don't really have anything to add to finish out my thoughts. My thoughts and emotions are pretty scrambled right now. I am just going to let this post speak for itself. It is another dawning of my new reality.

***Originally written on Monday, January 4, 2010***

The realization of how vastly different my life is now, compared to one year ago, hit me like a ton of bricks today. Kacie wanted to go to the mall to spend her birthday and Christmas money. She shopped and shopped. Afterward, we stopped at McDonald's for some ice cream. Yes, my kids eat ice cream even when it is 27 degrees outside. Me, I had a latte. Anyway, it was while the three of us were sitting there the big realization hit me.

One year ago, and likely others before that, Keith and I were sitting in the chemo area of the oncology clinic while he got pumped full of chemo. That's what we did on Monday's. Then we would come home, Keith would go to bed, and I work to keep the kids occupied and semi quiet. Since school did not start back today, I would have needed to either find a sitter or someone to go with Keith for the day. So many details.

Today, the kids and I went shopping and out for ice cream. We didn't go anywhere near the oncology clinic. We came home and played a loud game of Uno Flash. We had leftover pizza for dinner.

It dawned on me that these are things that we would be doing if Keith had been able to be well here on earth. Today was a "normal" day. Today we lived.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but take a moment to consider just how we lived every day for 5 1/2 years. Chemo and cancer dictated what we did and when we did it. There were so many parts of our lives that the cancer or the chemo interfered with...from what we ate to where we went. The chemo schedule Keith was on made it impossible for me to take the kids to the mall and out for ice cream on a Monday. The chemo side effects made it difficult for me to play a loud card game with the kids on a Monday evening. The chemo side effects made it difficult for us to eat left over pizza without me making something special for Keith to eat on a Monday. I didn't have to worry about who would take care of the kids or Keith, because I couldn't be in two places at once.

The realization of how much my life has changed in six short months is overwhelming.

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