Tuesday, November 24, 2009

To wallow or not to wallow

**********UPDATE********* Please read the original post below before reading the update.

I have spoken to MLC and the kids LC. The general opinion is that I am not wallowing, at least not in that sense of the word. I am dealing with so much. They would rather see me continue to take it one day at a time, than start picking up pieces of life before I'm ready. I am going to try to find some middle ground. I will stick to my plan of getting through these next very difficult 6 weeks. Then I will look at making some other decisions about how I spend my time. I was thrown off course today. I need to concentrate on what I am able to do each and every day. Do I wallow? I'm sure I do. Don't you?

****Original Post****
I had my 1 month checkup with MLD (My Lovely Doctor) today concerning my depression. He thinks that I am better than I was, but there is still room for improvement. So, he doubled my medication. He also doubled the medication he prescribed to help me sleep. Apparently, that needs improvement as well. MLD also asked me what I had done within the last month to get myself involved in the land of the living again.

Well...I haven't done that. I decided not to concentrate on THAT part of our conversation last month. I was still reeling from the diagnosis of depression. I honestly had forgotten about THAT part of our conversation. I didn't expect him to hold me accountable for that either, at least not so soon. I was thinking about tackling the land of the living sometime in January.

MLD was not thrilled with me. He says I am wallowing. He says I HAVE to STOP wallowing and reenter the land of the living. He says I have to do something other than sit around all day thinking bad thoughts. He says I have to DO something with my life. I have to get away from the medical stuff. I have to start living my life without Keith.

Okay. First of all, I don't sit around all day thinking bad thoughts. I do have days when it is like that, but it isn't every day (especially since the medication helps with that). Second of all, I thought that I was doing something every day. I get out of bed, I get the kids to school, I get them home from school, I feed them, I make sure they have clean clothes, etc., etc., etc. Third of all, I don't want to rejoin the land of the living right now. I am still struggling to adjust to life without Keith. I don't want to see what is out in the world. The world just doesn't hold the same appeal to me since Keith is not here for me to share it with.

If feeling that way is considered wallowing, then I guess I am. As of right this minute, I have not talked to MLC (My Lovely Counselor) about this. I have spoken with three very good friends today, since my appointment with MLD, who all are of an opinion (though it is in varying degrees) that I am wallowing at least sometimes. Okay, I'll agree to that. I probably am wallowing sometimes. Doesn't everyone? Don't I have reason to?

One friend said that she would love to see me do things because I want to, not because I have to. I would love to be that way too, but I'm not right now. I honestly don't know why. Rejoining the land of the living just seems too hard. That means I have to be around people that I probably don't have the tolerance for. That means I have to be nice when I don't want to be. It means that I have to have an interest in life. As bad as this sounds, I just don't want to. I don't feel mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually strong enough to even be nice to someone I don't know right now. Just ask another very dear friend I was out to lunch with just yesterday. She can tell you that I didn't have much tolerance for our server who was completely terrible at her job. At one point my friend said she thought she saw steam coming out of my ears. I was nice though. I didn't yell at the server, or throw things, or act ugly in any way. I did talk to the manager about the server. We did get our meals comped. I will go back and eat at this restaurant, although I will be sure not to sit in this server's section.

I took a bit of a side trip there. I know that I have to reenter the land of the living at some point. I know that Keith would not have wanted me to wallow in my grief, sadness, depression, or whatever it is that I am apparently wallowing in. One big point for me right now is that KEITH IS NOT HERE! If he were here, I wouldn't be wallowing. I don't know how to DO anything other than live a life that revolves around medical stuff. I don't KNOW how to live my life without Keith because I've never done that before.

A little bit of history about my life with Keith. We met on a blind date set up by a mutual friend. Keith was 19 and I was 16. I knew from the first date that I was going to love him and he was the ONE for me. We may have been young, but we KNEW! We dated what was left of my junior year in high school. We dated my senior year of high school. He took me to both proms and my senior homecoming dance. He gave me a promise ring on Valentine's Day 1992. He asked me to marry him on May 7, 1992 (my 18th birthday). I graduated high school on June 4, 1992 (I think that's the date), and we were married on July 11, 1992.

My life with Keith is ALL I KNOW!

I don't know how to live without him. Everyday I struggle with some new challenge, whether it be with the kids, the house, myself, the van, something. It is something each and every day. Each and every day is something new that I have to do for the first time without Keith by my side.

I'm going to end this very long, rambling post now. I still have more to say, but... To wallow or not to wallow? That is the question. I don't have the answer right now. I'm hoping that MLC will have some kind of answer for me. It may be next week before I get that answer, since we will be having a holiday this week. That holiday is a topic for another post which, I can say with some certainty, will come later this week. A little hint...I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have to for the sake of my kids. I don't feel very thankful or blessed right now. AND I HATE HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC BEFORE THANKSGIVING!

I really am okay. Just needed to vent a little there.


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