Saturday, November 21, 2009

4 pretty good days

I have had four pretty good days. Thursday had a few bumps in the road, but that's okay. Bumps are to be expected. I rode them out and was better for it. I didn't go into the black or even the gray. I have liked my life the last four days.

Don't get me wrong. I don't like the fact that my husband is dead. I didn't like the fact that he had cancer for 5 1/2 years. I still don't like the fact that my son has cancer for the third time in 14 years. It is very hard to be a single parent, deal with my depression, help my children cope with their grief, deal with my own grief, and balance all of the "normal" activities.

I still have issues with anger, frustration, sadness, and grief. Sometimes, I still am afraid that one or more of these emotions will consume me. The last four days I have experienced very little of these emotions. I have to think that it is a combination of the medications I am taking for the depression and insomnia, and God. I have turned my broken heart over to God. He is Jehovah-Raphi. The LORD My Healer.

I still miss Keith so much that sometimes the pain is very keen. Thursday's bumps were due to a mental box the needed unpacking and MLC helped me through that. I guess that is one of the reasons I go to see him. It was difficult to unpack that mental box that really didn't have anything to do with Keith, his life, his illness, or his death. It was simply a mental box that had been in mental storage for over 20 years. I had a difficult time dealing with what was unpacked. I experienced another secondary loss that is so common when dealing with death and grief. I was at home that night, needing the safety and security of Keith's arms around me, and he wasn't there to give it to me. I needed him so desperately. The pain of his absence was very keen Thursday night. Something important happened though. I realized, through much prayer, that while Keith wasn't there to comfort me, God was.

I know, I know. How can I not have realized that? I speak of God's love, comfort, compassion, mercy, and grace all the time. So, how could I have not realized that? I don't exactly know, unless all of my grief and depression have clouded my heart. I'm sure that certainly has something to do with it. I'm also sure that it was a moment of spiritual growth for me. Yep, I do believe that we all continue to grow spiritually our entire lives. I KNEW that Keith could not comfort me in my time of need. God was the only One who could provide me the comfort I needed. I asked Him for it. I am certain that He answered me in my time of need. I was able to go to sleep. I awoke Friday morning with a peace filled heart. The only explanation is that God wrapped me up tight in the safety and security of His arms. What an amazing God I serve!

I am in awe of how He is big enough to handle my anger, frustration, bitterness, doubts, and questions and STILL love me enough to give me the comfort and security I needed. What an awesome Father He is!

In HIS grip,


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