Saturday, November 7, 2009

4 months

Today is four months since Keith died. At this moment, I am not consumed by the sadness that has been present on past anniversary dates. Will it be there at some point in time today? I don't know. I imagine the sadness will likely rear it's ugly head sometime. Can I handle it? For the first time in a couple of months, yes, I do believe that I can handle it. I can handle letting the sadness come. I can handle letting it out, instead of packing it in a mental box and putting it on a mental shelf.

I finally am beginning to feel more emotionally steady than I have in a very long time. I don't feel as overwhelmed by my life. I know that's just the medication beginning to work, but it's nice to feel steady.

Some one said to me the other day that it was nice to hear me laugh again. Now, I'm getting a little teary. I didn't realize that I had stopped laughing. I don't remember when I stopped laughing. I do remember wondering if I would ever find humor in my life again. That was even before Keith died.

Realizing and accepting how difficult Keith's illness has been on me has been difficult. MLC (my lovely counselor) says that was because I was so focused on caring for Keith. I was so focused on how to keep Keith comfortable and the kids as normal as possible that I never stopped to look at how hard it was on me. Now that I am having to do this in order to heal, it truly breaks my heart. It's like watching a movie of yourself. I remember doing all of these very hard things. When I look at them from the "outside" perspective, I am floored that I was able to do any of them. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway. Today is four months. Tuesday is 18 weeks. Thursday is Nick's repeat trip to Birmingham. Another tough week ahead.

But I can do this, because...

I am in His grip, especially when I am in the valley of the shadow of death!


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