Friday, November 13, 2009

not today

Today is not the day that I had a come apart and went to the dark and scary place I was in on Monday's come apart. Today's come apart was let loose, let out, and done. I dusted my hands of it and have moved on. I finally feel good about that. I have now had 3 come aparts in one week. I do believe that's a record for me.

I am not someone who typically has these episodes. A part of my counseling has been to recognize and acknowledge the huge amount of emotions I have carried around inside me for SO MANY YEARS. I have always considered myself emotional. I cry when I'm happy, sad, or mad. Well, apparently I have not cried enough through the years of carrying this load. I have to accept, and even embrace, the fact that for now I am someone who has these episodes.

So, today is not the day that I feel like I am in the dark and scary place that depression can be. Today is the day that I woke up at 2:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep...even having taken my sleep medicine. Today is the day that I decided it was too soon for me to attend a very dear friend's funeral. It wasn't good mentally or emotionally for me to go there today. Today is the day that I went back to bed after getting the kids to school. Then I slept for 2 1/2 hours. Today is the day that I had my first (because I'm reasonably sure it won't be the last) come apart because Thanksgiving is in13 days and it is the first one without Keith.

Today is the day that we will "live" life once again. The kids will be going to Nana and Pawpaw's house for the weekend. Today will be the first time they have done this since Keith died. This weekend will be hard for me. These weekends were very special to me and Keith. We didn't get them very often once Keith had the seizure last April. The summer trips the kids took to Nana's were timed with Keith's chemo treatments to help us with child care. Keith didn't exactly feel like having a date night after getting pumped full of chemo that day.

I do have some plans. It's things with a friend, who is generously giving me most of her weekend. I am cautiously optimistic about this weekend. I'm a little worried too. That dark and scary place still looms. I hope I don't revisit there anytime soon.

We are certainly...

In His Grip, even in the valley!


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