Thursday, November 5, 2009

17 weeks, a new path, and a trip

Tuesday was 17 weeks since Keith's death. Wednesday was another trip to Birmingham with Nick for CT scans and a checkup. A new path for my self is slowly being revealed.

Tuesday was difficult for me. I think it is difficult on the kids too, but certainly not in the same way. I am finding that Mondays are tough for me as well. The weekends are especially tough too. I guess it's just safe to say that there are tough days all around.

It's hard to believe that 17 weeks have already gone by. I have struggled with my diagnosis of depression. It isn't easy for the caregiver to become a patient. I am getting better with the idea of having an illness though. There are a lot of the details about my depression I will not go into here. These details have some very intense feelings associated with them that I am having to handle very gently.

I am seeing a new path open up for me and my life. I don't know where that path is going to take me, but I know there is a path. The experience I have had with depression has been a scary one. One aspect of the depression has been the feeling that there wasn't a path. I felt like I was lost in a forest thick with trees. I couldn't see the sky. I couldn't see the path. I couldn't find a way out. Now, two weeks into my treatment, I can see the path. It still gets a little hidden at times, but I know that the path is there. I know that God is leading me along this path.

I do know that somewhere along this path I will find a new Kristy. She will eventually emerge from this nightmare a better, stronger person. I asked my counselor what would happen if I didn't like who emerged. He answered with a grin, "You can just change her!" That's a neat thought!

Nick's trip to Birmingham was yesterday. I sent out a full run down in an email update earlier this afternoon. If by chance you didn't get that email, comment here with your email address and I will add you to my list.

Emotionally, yesterday was TOUGH. I am so glad it is finished. I am trying to be glad for the good news we got and that the bad news wasn't worse. I think the depression is affecting how I feel about yesterday. It's hard for me to focus on the good, and the bad seems so big and scary.

Things certainly are not finished with Nick, but I guess they won't ever be until God calls him home. Nick is doing well and seems to be handling every thing very well.

Kacie still has tough moments, but who wouldn't. We handle them when they come up and try to move past it.

Taking one day at a time seems to be the best choice. Of course it usually is. I know I don't like who I was becoming with the depression prior to beginning treatment. I want to get well. I want to recover from this grief that I still worry (a little bit) will consume me. I want the kids to move past their grief and be able to laugh about memories of their dad, instead of cry. I want to be able to remember Keith with laughter instead of tears. He was so full of laughter. His sense of humor was one of the first things I fell in love with. I know that I am getting better, because I have a sense of "want to" now. I didn't three weeks ago.

I know it takes time. I have had lots of folks who have walked this path of grief tell me it simply takes time. Time, time, time.


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