Tuesday, November 10, 2009

18 weeks

Today marks 18 weeks. I wish I could say that it wasn't the first thing I thought about today, but I can't. The fact of the matter is most days Keith's death is the first and last thought of my day.

How am I doing? Well, I think that really depends on who you ask. MLC (my lovely counselor) told me just this morning that he thinks I am right where he would expect me to be. I will confess that I was afraid I was having a nervous breakdown yesterday. I had a REALLY TOUGH morning yesterday. I started crying at about 7:30 AM and didn't stop until nearly noon. That's a long time to spend crying. I needed it. I now know that I had another box that needed unpacking. That box contained a lot of really big and heavy emotions. MLC has reassured me that yesterday was NOT a nervous breakdown. It wasn't even an emotional breakdown. It WAS a huge emotional release.

Do I feel better? Yeah, I do. Physically, I am tired today. That isn't unusual for me, especially after experiencing strong emotions. Emotionally, I feel okay. I'm steadier today. Yesterday's release allowed me to release at least a portion of the packed up emotions that I've been storing for a while. These emotions were directly related to Keith and the night before he died. There were some things that happened in the hours before the hospice nurse was called that I needed to deal with. I am not ready (and may not ever be ready) to share those details. It is very difficult to address exactly what I experienced that night. I say it that way, because it IS what I have to deal with now. Keith is gone. Keith is walking the streets of gold. Keith is not suffering anymore. I am one of the ones who is suffering now. I have to address that.

I do think that I will have to begin "unpacking" those particular boxes one day soon. I don't see any way around it. I am going to have to go back to those extremely painful final hours of Keith's life and allow myself to feel the emotions associated with what I saw and the decisions I made.
MLC compared it to the pain that is experienced when a broken bone is set. In order to heal, there has to be some pain. I don't like pain. I don't want to experience another day like yesterday, but I will if I want to heal. I do want to heal.

There is a song that is played on WAY-FM quite regularly. Some of the lyrics are: I want to wake up. I want a restart. Put the drum beat back in my heart. I need to be revived. Bring me back to life. It feels so good to be alive. The name of the song is Heartbeat by Remedy Drive. This song just speaks volumes about what I am feeling and what I want to feel. I've added it to my play list at the bottom of my blog. Search it out and listen to the words. If you feel led, please pray for God to put the drum beat back in my heart and for Him to revive me. I know that I can't do it myself. I am taking the necessary steps to heal physically and emotionally, but ultimately God is the only one who can heal my broken heart.

It's 18 weeks without Keith by my side. I've made it longer than I ever imagined I could. Each and every day is a new day. I've learned that for me it isn't leaning on my faith in God. It's falling into the arms of God and the faith is KNOWING HE WILL CATCH ME! He'll catch you too. All you have to do is ask.

In His Grip, especially when walking through the valley of the shadow of death!


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