Tuesday, November 17, 2009

bullet points

I can't seem to find exactly the right words to write a "formed" post. I've tried for two days. So, on the advice of MLC, I am just going to write in bullet points.

  • Yesterday was crappy for me emotionally. I was in a gray place. I think the gray is worse than the black place that my depression has often been.
  • Today is better, even though Keith has been gone for 19 weeks now.
  • The kids spent their first weekend with Nana and Pawpaw, Keith's parents, since Keith died.
  • I spent two, count them TWO, nights alone in my house for the first time while the kids were gone.
  • Friday I had a come apart of almost major proportions, while sitting in the van at our meeting point, after the kids left with N & P.
  • I sent them off with lots of hugs, kisses, and smiles. They didn't see me cry.
  • Yesterday I laughed so hard at something Nick said that I couldn't drive. I HAD to pull over.
  • Saturday morning I woke up at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. I went into the black of depression and could not shake it. It took me until 8:00 AM, to be able to draw on every ounce of inner strength that exists in me, to get out of bed and into the shower.
  • Saturday morning, while trying to make myself get out of bed and shake off the black, I got so angry that Keith wasn't here to have a date weekend with that I almost took my wedding rings off and threw them across the room. Thankfully, God intervened and I didn't. I would have been devastated if I had done that and the rings had gotten lost.
  • Saturday, my dear friend, A, took me to Lawrenceburg, TN to visit the Amish community there, and that evening we went to a Southern Gospel concert. I had a wonderful time.
  • It took me until just as we were arriving in Lawrenceburg to shake off the black.
  • I went shopping for myself today for the first time since Keith died. It was fun, yet difficult. Keith was not a husband that hated shopping. He often accompanied me.
  • Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel and quit, but I didn't. Quit what? The what didn't matter. I just wanted to quit something.
  • I am so glad that today is better than yesterday. I hope that it continues to be that way.
  • I am not ready for the holidays. My emotions are all over the place most of the time as it is. I know it is just going to get worse as the holidays get closer.
  • I want to skip Christmas. I tried to bribe the kids with a trip to Disney World if we could skip Christmas. They refused.
  • Saturday night I fell asleep while waiting until 10:00 to take my sleep medication. Truly felt successful when I woke up Sunday morning at 8:30.
  • Keith's death has left a huge hole in my heart and my life that sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal.
  • I know what it means to be truly brokenhearted.
  • I am so glad that we aren't scheduled to go to Birmingham this week.
Well, that's the good, the bad, and the ugly of my thoughts and emotions over the last several days. Take them for what they are. I mentioned a while back that I was going to be more open and honest here about where I am emotionally and how I am dealing with everything. Some days are better than others. Some days are just down right hard. Some parts of some days are better than others. Some parts of some days are just down right tough.

I've made it 19 weeks. 19 very hard and very tough weeks. I've made it through being diagnosed with depression. I'm still struggling with the depression, but I'll be on the medication for 1 month at the end of the week. I'll see MLD next week for a checkup. Hopefully, things will continue to improve.

Until next time, remember we are all...

In His Grip,


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