Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Something happened last night that makes me feel fragile today. Nick ran a little bit of a low grade fever last night. Okay, in everyone else's world that isn't a big deal. In my world, it's a huge deal. The low grade fever at night that goes away by morning is a symptom of the cancer becoming more active. I have seen the pattern before. I saw the pattern three years ago. That means chemo is imminent. That makes me feel fragile.

Last night's low grade fever wasn't the first episode. Nick had another episode a couple of weeks ago. I didn't think about it again, because it went away. There seemed to be an explanation too. Nick had taken a hot shower not long before I noticed how warm he felt. That's why I thought it was simply a fluke. Last night has no explanation. There is no reason why, other than the cancer.

I'm feeling very fragile today. This scares me. I know what the reality holds. I know I have to tell the doctor tomorrow when we see him. I know this will affect the outcome in some way. I don't know how much of an effect it will have. I know that I am scared.

I wish I could have a break from this. I KNOW that God has the power to stop this. I'm struggling with why He won't. I'm struggling with the reality that He hasn't. I'm struggling with everything I have been through. I'm struggling with the fact that it seems to keep coming at me...AND IT WILL NOT STOP! I cry out "oh God!", and I wonder if He hears me.

I'm fragile today. I don't want to face tomorrow. I don't want to tell the doctor about the fever. I don't want to face chemo again. I don't feel strong enough emotionally to handle this. I don't feel strong enough to be strong enough for Nick and Kacie.

I just want a break. Some time off for good behavior. Some time to heal. Some time to simply grieve without all of this other junk thrown in on top of my grief. I just want some time to concentrate on me.

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