Monday, May 5, 2008

The First Day

For many years, I have been asked why I didn't have a website. I don't really know the answer to that. I've always enjoyed updating everyone via email. I haven't ever found it to be a bother. However, for the last several weeks (maybe months), I have been feeling overwhelmed with the need to write more in depth about what is going on within our family. Most of my email updates consist of the latest medical news about Nick or Keith. There isn't as much about what is going on with us emotionally, spiritually, or physically. I am hoping that I can use this blog as a way to journal thoughts, feelings, worries, etc. that are just too consuming to be contained in an email. Much of the time, I imagine I will be rambling. Hopefully, I will be able to give a small glimpse of our daily walk not only with cancer, but with Christ.

I named this blog the way I did, because so much of the time I feel like I am in the eye of the storm. I have weathered the first wave, but there is another one surely to follow. So many times, I have to refrain from asking "What now, Lord?" If I have learned anything during the last 12 1/2 years, it is don't ask "What else?" It seems like that question gets answered ten-fold.

Keith had his last treatment today. So, I guess his break officially begins tomorrow. I don't know exactly how to feel about this break. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. The prospect of having even one treatment off is thrilling, but it scares me. There, I've said it! I am scared of this break. I guess it isn't the break I'm afraid of, but what comes after. Once again, we are entering the unknown. I feel like God has got something great and wonderful in store for us. I just wish I knew.

I'm not good with the unknown. Right now, one of my greatest fears is living this life without Keith by my side. With his diagnosis, that is a reality that we must face. It is such a comfort and joy to know that even though he isn't with me, he WILL be with the Heavenly Father. WOW! what an amazing thought. My mind will wander at the worst of times and I find myself thinking about "what-if's". One of my "what-if's" is of Keith kneeling at the feet of our Father. The joy that will be radiating from his face. The healing that couldn't be found here on earth will be evident. What a wonderful place for Keith to be! Then, my human side takes over and I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief. Selfishly, I want him here with me and the kids. Nick and Kacie absolutely adore Keith. I hurt so bad to think of them growing up without Keith. If I'm not careful, that sadness and grief can quickly move into anger and resentment. That is usually when I take a few minutes to cry about it, and then release all of it to God.

Several very wise friends over the years have told me that God can handle anything I throw at Him. How foolish I feel, when I remember that God already knows everything I am thinking and feeling.

Many times, Keith and I will receive a note of encouragement from someone. A good portion of the time, the note will contain scripture. One verse that has repeatedly shown up is Jeremiah 29:11. I've included it today, more for me than for you. It always reminds me that God has my best interests at heart. He never guaranteed me that there wouldn't be pain or suffering, but He will see me through to the glorious conclusion.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


Anonymous said...

Mrs. Baxley,
I am praying for your family. I can't even imagine what you face daily. But I worship and love the same Father that you do. May God bring complete healing to your family.
Mary H.

Anonymous said...

You and your family will be in my prayers. May God strengthen you and your family during your hardship.