Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Anxious and afraid

For all of my talk about how I try to overcome anxiety, I am not doing a very good job of it tonight. I have become almost paranoid concerning Nick. There are many symptoms associated with the PTLD/lymphoma that he can have ( low grade fever, back pain, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, tiredness, etc.). This is not the first time we have been told to watch Nick for symptoms. I'm sure it won't be the last.

A few days ago, Nick felt hot to my touch. I checked his temperature and he registered as 99.5. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for Nick that can be considered a fever. The medication he takes not only makes his immune system weak, but it also makes the way his immune system responds to things different. If Nick ever runs a high fever, the probability that he has something serious is very high. So, if he registers a low grade fever, then he is likely sick and we have to take action.

I have to say that my stomach did a flip. Nick is already on antibiotics for a borderline sinus infection. Running a low grade fever points to the cancer becoming active again. That's what happened two summers ago. Nick was fine, and then started running low grade fevers in the evenings. At that time, we knew Nick had PTLD/lymphoma and were watching him for symptoms. The fevers were the main symptoms he had.

It didn't occur to me until a little while later the other day that Nick had been outside riding his bike. Once I thought about him just being hot, I settled down. Nick took a shower and I made sure it wasn't one of the hot kind that he loves. I took his temp after he got out and it had returned to normal. I exhaled. I also checked it again a couple of times before Nick went to bed. This is also procedure for us to make sure we get an accurate read. When Nick was first transplanted, we had to check his temp several times day in order to get a daily average. Anyway, every time I checked, Nick's temp was normal. One would think I would let it go!

Nope! Not me! I have been obsessing about this temp thing for three days now. I am constantly checking his head or sticking the thermometer in his mouth. Nick finally asked me why I keep checking. I told him I was paranoid. Now, he'll say "Mom, are you feeling paranoid again?"

I wish I could say that I am full of faith and I am trusting the Lord with this, but sadly...I can't seem to let this go. I found myself looking at Nick this afternoon and thinking that maybe he looks pale. That was when I realized that I do indeed have a problem. The peace that I long for, I can't find. Fear and anxiety have replaced it. I can't seem to let go of it long enough for the Lord to fill me with His Peace.

I'm asking for prayer for me tonight and through the next several days. Prayer that I will be able to let go of this and allow God to work. We are supposed to go on vacation next week. It has been a long time since we've taken one. I'm afraid that something will happen and we won't be able to take our trip. We could all use some time off. Pray for that too. Also pray that everyone stays well.

Thank you for lifting me up in my time of weakness.

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