Friday, December 25, 2009

Our first Christmas

December 29 2:08 PM

Below is the post that I began on Christmas night. I simply could not finish it. I have decided to go ahead and post what I started to give just a glimpse into what I was feeling on Christmas day and the days leading up to it.

I am currently working on a followup post. Hopefully I will have it up before the day is over.


Well, it's here. As I write this, it's actually almost over. Our first Christmas without Keith finally got here and now it's almost gone. I have to say that I am so relieved that this hurdle is almost behind me.

The last few days leading up to Christmas have been extremely difficult. The days have only been made more so since I am sick. I was in the doctor's office last week with a sinus infection. I was back this week with pharyngitis. Now it's full blown congestion, a cough, and I wear out quickly. I am on another round of antibiotics to hopefully knock this stuff out.

Back to the difficult days... I have really struggled with massive amounts of grief and sadness the past few days. I have spent a lot of time just crying. MLC has told me on many occasions that letting my emotions out is one of the only ways that I am going to find my way through this journey of grief. The longer I hold everything in, the longer it can take me to recover.

Yesterday was especially difficult. I woke up terribly sad. I managed with the kids, taking care of breakfast, and those morning things that you do when the kids are out of school. I managed until I got in the shower. I began to cry and literally sat down with the shower running. I sat in the shower and cried until the hot water ran out. I cried out to God for help. I knew that I did not have what I needed to get through Christmas Eve. I'm certain that God heard my cry simply because I was able to get up, get out of the shower, and get dressed. I was able to get through the day and the things I needed to do. I was able to play the role of Santa last night with the help of my new elf, Nick. I could not have made it through these past several days without the God sent friends who have lent many ears and shoulders. Yesterday was no different.

I have never in my life felt as consumed by sadness and grief as I have during this Christmas season. Thanksgiving was an absolute breeze compared to Christmas.

I am so glad that it is almost done.

I have missed Keith with such ferocity I didn't think one human being could feel.

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