Wednesday, December 9, 2009

And today makes 4

4 days of lots of crying. I called MLC this morning when I could not stop crying. I have to admit that I was VERY worried that the depression had reared it's very ugly head and I was sinking into the abyss once again.

Thankfully, that does not appear to be the case. MLC thinks, after trying to make out my some what incoherent tear jumbled information, that I am in the midst of releasing some of the emotions that I didn't let myself feel while Keith was sick. That's 5 1/2 YEARS worth of emotions! Apparently once these emotional doors have opened, there's no closing them again. The flood (literally feels like I cried enough to contribute to all the standing water from the storms here last night) keeps coming until there is no more. There's no stopping it.

The best way I know how to describe the "episodes" when they happen is it's like a movie playing in my head, except backwards. The one that happened Tuesday was about the day Keith died. Today's episode was about when Keith was on chemo. I'm sure that episode is not finished yet. That's where Keith and I spent the majority of his 5 1/2 year battle.

MLC even hazards a guess that there will be some "episodes" that go all the way back 14 years ago when Nick was fighting cancer as a baby.

It is very overwhelming to be feeling everything that I am feeling right now. It is very painful. I am very raw. MLC says that I might be beginning to recognize the weight of the burdens I have carried for so many years. At times, it is like seeing yourself for the first time. I feel like that was someone else who was doing all of those very difficult things.

MLC says that I will likely be crying a lot for a while, if this is indeed what is happening. I have to deal with the emotions/feelings. I have to let them out when they come. I will not recover from the grief, the depression, and the weight of the burdens will not be lifted if I don't.

That's a whole lot of emotions to let out.

At least I know I'm not going crazy or losing my mind. I'm being treated for the depression with very good medicine, so we know it isn't that. I can't even imagine dealing with all of these emotions if I weren't being treated for the depression. UGH! I would probably be in a padded room somewhere.

And so, like sands through the hour glass, these are the days of my life!

I'm holding close the promise that God is with me and carrying me through this very painful place.


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