Monday, December 21, 2009

12 days

I would like to apologize to my daily readers for my 12 day absence. I have not been of the mind to write here. I haven't been much of a mind to do anything during the last twelve days. So, grab a cup of tea, coffee, or whatever, and we'll catch up.

In my last post, I had been crying for 4 days. Well, the four days turned into six. Yep...I cried for the better part of six days. I woke up on Saturday morning of that same week so relieved that the "movies" had finally stopped playing only to have a new one begin while I was in the shower. The new movie was not a pleasant one to experience either. I had a lot of pent up anger, bitterness, and hurt that needed to be purged. That's all I'm going to share about that. It was very intense though. I dealt with it by writing all of my feelings out as honestly as I could without holding anything back. Then I shared the writings with MLC on my next appointment. He has them under lock and key for me until I decide what I should do with them, if I do anything with them.

I wasn't going to put up a Christmas tree, but we did. Granted I had to go buy all new everything: tree, tree skirt, ornaments, topper, stockings. EVERYTHING! I absolutely could not deal with getting out our other things. There are simply too many emotions and memories attached to each and every piece. The kids ended up having to decorate the entire thing though. I tried putting a few ornaments on the tree and the emotions were once again just too overwhelming. I don't have a clue how I am going to take it all down next week.

I have also been having a very tough time the last four days. It began on Friday. The events of the past 14 years with Nick finally caught up with me. I had so many emotions come to the surface that dealt with Nick's initial cancer diagnosis. I did not realize that after so many years I could still have so many unresolved emotions. I haven't even gotten past the majority of them yet.

I was okay until Saturday afternoon. I began crying a lot again. I had spoken with MLC on Friday about what was going on with me. He cautioned me that the weekend might be tough, but to try really hard not to suppress my emotions too much. Well, I didn't think that it would turn out the way it did. My good friend, A, came over and we had a girl's night in. It was a wonderful time that truly helped me through the muck that night.

Then yesterday (Sunday) happened. I woke up and all the "movies" had gotten jumbled up and I could not stop crying. I finally got up, got the kids up, and got dressed for church. Although, I really did not feel like going. I still don't know why God wanted me in church yesterday, because all I did was cry. I had to leave the service before it really even got started. The lighting of the Advent candles made me a mess. Then there were the Christmas hymns. I sat in the foyer and just cried. Friends came out and checked on me. I just couldn't handle it. We didn't go back to church last night like we usually do. I could not handle it emotionally.

As yesterday wore on, I cried more and more. Today has truly been a struggle. I am full of so much sadness. I miss Keith so much. December 22, is when Keith was admitted to the hospital with abdominal pains 6 years ago. December 23 is when we found out he had cancer 6 years ago. These were the days when I just KNEW that God was going to heal Keith. I am dealing with what is now. God didn't give Keith earthly healing. God called Keith home.

Keith is not here today 4 days before Christmas. I miss him so much. I feel like my heart is freshly broken once again. Last night I didn't know how I was going to make to bedtime. I could not stop crying. Today, I have had to work so hard to be able to function in spite of my emotions being right at the surface. I talked to MLC once again this afternoon. He really thinks (and I agree) that it isn't the depression. It is just massive amounts of sadness and grief. Everything could also be made worse be the fact that I am taking steroids for a sinus infection.

I wish I could be joyful. I am trying to concentrate on what joy Keith must be experiencing celebrating Christ's birthday WITH HIM. In my humanness though, I can't get past my own feelings of sadness and grief at Keith's absence.

I want to just get through this week. Then I want to get through next week. Then I want to get through Kacie's birthday. Then the kids will be back in school and this season will be over. I will be able to say that I made it through the first one without Keith. I am working really hard at not letting myself look too far ahead. I am truly taking it in baby steps, much like I did this week 6 years ago.

Pray for me dear friends. I don't know if I have enough within me to make it special for my kids. They so need it to be.


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