Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Imagining and shelving

As I sit here trying to put my jumbled up thoughts into some kind of order, Kacie's new 12 week old kitten, Izzy, keeps nibbling at my fingers while I type. My hands are shaking from yet more medication I am taking to try to get well. Oh, I am also shelving as many emotions as I can, because I just can't face them right now.

My pharyngitis moved into bronchitis. I am on a steroid inhaler, oral steroids (again), and I have to finish what's left of my antibiotics. I have a full blown case of the shakes. I am tired, but can't sit still. My mind is running at 100 mph. The kids are at Nana and Paw-paw's house for a couple of days. I really want to say that I am looking forward to 2010, but I'm not.

I am not looking forward to the new year. I've been trying to imagine what it will be like without Keith by my side...and I can't. I just can't imagine going through the 365 days of 2010 without him. I know that I have to. His trip to heaven was one way. Keith isn't coming back here...not even for me.

I wish I could say that Christmas was full of joy, magic, and wonder over our Savior's birth. I wish I could say that I held onto what Keith must have experienced being with Christ on Christmas. I wish I could say that I didn't just go through the motions. I wish I could say that although I was sad, I was still full of joy for the real reason we celebrate Christmas. I simply wish I could say that I celebrated Christmas.

The truth is I simply went through the motions. I missed Keith terribly. I got through it because of the kids. I didn't really care to celebrate Christ's birth, although I went through those motions for the kids as well.

I am shelving as many of my emotions as I can right now. It seems to be instinctual for me. MLC said I could do that during this tough couple of weeks, but I can not wrap them in duct tape or put them into long term storage as I have been prone to do in the past. I will meet with him on Jan 7. I'm sure that everything will come roaring to the surface then, if not before.

Jan 7 is the six month mark since Keith's death. Half of a year without Keith by my side. Where did time go? Has it really been that long? It feels like an eternity. How can I do this for an entire year? 2010 will be an entire year spent without Keith. January 1 to December 31...without him. At least 2009 I had Keith for half of the year. 2010 will be entirely without. How can I do this? I can't even imagine it. There are so many days in the next year that Keith should be here for. I have another half of a year of firsts to get through.

Dear God, I miss him so much. Please carry me through 2010, because I can't and I don't know the way.


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