Wednesday, October 7, 2009

3 months

Today marks three months since Keith died. So far, today hasn't been as difficult emotionally as I thought it would be. However, the day is not over and I really haven't had the time to really focus on how I am doing today.

We are in Birmingham today for yet another checkup with Nick. Nick is also receiving another dose of IVIG. The checkup went well. Nothing new to report there. Of course, we will be waiting to hear back from the blood tests to see exactly how active the EBV is, and next month will be the next CT scans to check the growth of the cancer.

I am going to take some time to whine a little bit. I am so tired of coming every month. It is better than coming every week, which is likely to happen if Nick has to start taking chemo again. I wish Nick could be well. I wish Keith didn't die. I wish the two guys that I love the most in this world didn't have to fight cancer. I wish for so many things that I can't have. I don't understand even a small portion of all of the "why's" of the last 14 years, the last 5 1/2 years, the last 4 years, and especially the last 3 months. I am tired of just getting through each and every day.

I know I should probably just focus on the good. At least I am getting through each day. At lease Keith is healed. At least Nick doesn't need chemo today. At least, at least, at least. I could go on all day long.

How was our vacation? It was really nice. Yes, it was difficult at times. I don't enjoy driving in Atlanta. I don't know of many who do though. We went to the Coca-cola Museum, the Georgia Aquarium, and to Turner Field for a Braves game. We also ate at The Varsity, which is an Atlanta must. What'll ya have? What'll ya have? What'll ya have? We decided not to go to the CNN Center and tour the studio. I could not figure out where to park and the one place I found to park cost $20.00. I just didn't think that was worth the money!

We did a little bit of shopping at the Tanger outlet mall at Exit 212 on I-75 S. That's always fun for me at least. I didn't feel outlet mall deprived by doing that. Every time we have gone to the beach, whether fall break or summer vacation, I go shopping at the Tanger outlet mall in Foley. I had been feeling pretty down. There were a lot of memories that haunted me while we were on this trip. Memories of our last "normal" trip to the beach on this same week of last year. That reality is hard to face and then accept. This may not make sense, but remember I've said before that grief doesn't make sense. So, being able to shop at a Tanger mall at the time of year I've gotten used to was nice and helped to ease the hurt just a little. I only bought one thing, so I know it wasn't retail therapy. I do think that it was just doing something that I have done while on vacation for the last several years that helped.

I also went to a Joann's Fabric Store for the first time since Keith died. For those that know me well, you know that Joann's is my favorite store in the whole world. There isn't one in Huntsville. The closest ones are in Franklin, TN and Hoover, AL. The Hoover location just opened a couple of weeks ago. I usually go to the Joann's in Pensacola, FL when we are vacationing at the beach. Yes, I go fabric shopping while on vacation. Keith tolerated my love of fabric with lots of love. My fabric stash was always a running joke in our house.

So, we had a good time. The kids weren't ready to come home. It did me good to get away for a few days. I'm not in a hurry to go anyway again for awhile. So far, I haven't fallen into the depression I dealt with when we returned from our Bama game trip a couple of weekends ago. It may still happen, but I'm hoping I am stronger now than I was then. There are days I don't think so.

I'm still having to remind myself that God is here. That He is with me while I am in the valley of the shadow of death.

Thank you for continually lifting us up in prayer.


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