Monday, October 12, 2009

14 weeks and counting

Tomorrow is the 14 week mark since Keith's death. It will be 98 days. We are fast approaching the three digit mark. That realization just devastates me. Today has been very hard for me. I do believe that I am dealing with symptoms of depression once again. I will be meeting with my wonderful counselor in the morning. I have complete trust that he will help me get back on the right path, if indeed I have strayed.

I don't know exactly why today has been so difficult, unless it is because of the realization that it is indeed October. Okay, I know that it has been October for almost two weeks now. So why right? Well, it goes back to April 18. That is the day that Keith had the seizure. That is the day that I consider the beginning of the end. October 18 would be the day Keith could resume driving again. Once someone has had a seizure, they are unable to drive for 6 months. Once the 6 month mark passes and the person has not had any additional seizures, he will be allowed to drive again. Keith was LIVING for that day to come. To be quite honest, so was I.

October 18 was our goal of life returning to our previous state of normal. It is another layer of grief being uncovered! Keith is not here to be able to drive again! I can't help but feel like this is completely unfair. It isn't like we were expecting him to be cured on that date. We were just expecting things to go back one step. We were expecting to put the whole entire episode of the seizure, brain tumors, hospitalization, and radiation behind us. We were planning to resume living, AND WE DIDN'T GET TO!!!!!

Then there is also the fact that we are very quickly approaching the holiday season. My November 23, 2008 post goes into detail explaining some of the reasons why the holiday season is hard for me. I am absolutely dreading this year. It's coming. I can't stop it. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to get myself through it, much less make it special for my kids.

I know that I keep asking to be covered in prayer, but I truly do believe that God is the only One who can heal this broken heart of mine. Please pray for me, especially during these next weeks that are sure to be painful.

I'm trying to remain...

In His Grip, even though I am surely in the valley of the shadow of death


No comments: