This is not a countdown. It's a count up. The hours, days, and weeks are adding up.
I need to say that my heart is not in this post. My heart isn't in much lately. I am heartsick and heartbroken. I understand why people die from a broken heart. Don't get all wound up in my saying that! Just because I understand doesn't mean anything beyond that. If you will recall, I mentioned that I was going to be more open with my thoughts and my feelings as I go through this journey of grief. It's not pretty. As a matter of fact, it's down right ugly most of the time.
My lovely and wise counselor only reinforced what he said last week. He feels that it is very important for me to meet with my family doc to discuss my current emotional state of mind. I am sick. Supermom has found her kryptonite. It's called the death of her spouse and it has given her depression.
For years I have wondered, worried and been afraid of when I would reach my limit of what I could handle. Let's be honest. I have handled a lot of things that most people don't have to handle (at least not at the same time). It will be 14 years next month since Nick was diagnosed with stage 3 liver cancer. It was 13 years in September since Nick received a liver transplant. It will be 6 years in December since Keith was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. It was 5 years in August since Keith was diagnosed as having stage 4 colon cancer. It will be 4 years in January since Nick has been diagnosed with a second cancer, PTLD/lymphoma. It will be 3 years in December since Keith was diagnosed as terminal. It will be 2 years in February since Nick has been out of remission and the PTLD/lymphoma came back. It is 6 months since Keith was diagnosed as having metastatic colon cancer to the brain. It has been 15 weeks since Keith died. It has been 12 days since Kacie broke her arm. It's two weeks until we return to Birmingham to learn if Nick will begin his third chemotherapy protocol in his life.
That's where my limit lies. That is what has made me sick. That is why my heart is broken. There is also so much more that I can fill in. Things that just add more weight. Nick nearly dying at least 3 times in those 14 years. Countless surgical procedures and hospital stays for both Keith and Nick. Kacie being rushed to the ER because she had an asthma attack and we didn't know she had asthma. The death of my father and grandfather in one year. So much, so much.
Some of these are more likely to be things that anyone experiences, but the weight that it adds (when the life being lived is shadowed by so much other bad stuff) is tremendous.
So, I am going to meet with my family doctor tomorrow to discuss this place I am in. I am hoping and praying that he can help me get back on the right path (or at least one that is better) so that I can heal. I know that eventually I will heal. I just can't see it now. I am hoping that, between my doctor and my counselor, they can help me not only see where I am going, but get there as well.
I guess I'm turning my supermom cape over and waving the white flag underneath.
Pray for me. I feel more lost than I ever have, more like a failure than I ever have, and more defeated than I ever have. That's about as open and honest as it gets.