Tuesday, October 27, 2009

16 weeks and counting

Someone told me recently that I should stop counting. I don't want to, so I'm not going to. I'm not keeping up with the days everyday. When it crosses my mind, then it occurs to me how many days it's been. Today, I don't know right off hand how many days it's been. I know that it's been 16 weeks. Sixteen weeks that have been very long and very difficult. I think the weeks are just getting longer and more difficult as time passes.

My counselor thinks that I am indeed very normal in the place that I am at. He thinks I need to stick with the medications (even though I am experiencing some unpleasant side effects) for a little while longer before deciding it isn't working. He also thinks that I have to be patient with my self for a while. This is going to take some time to fix and it will take some time to even notice a difference.

The good news is that I am sleeping more. It's still not enough though. Once again, I have been encouraged to stick with the medication and give it time.

I miss Keith. I miss him so much more with each and every passing day. It is still difficult to accept that THIS is the way our life together turned out. We never dreamed that we would have such a short time together. It is very difficult for me to be around couples our age. I see what I don't have anymore. I can remember when Nick was a baby it was difficult for me to be around healthy babies because mine had cancer.

So many times I have thought that grief is the here and now, but it isn't. Grief is also about losing what you had, and losing what you might have had. Senior night was celebrated at last week's football game. I struggled to keep from falling apart, because it occurred to me that when Nick is recognized on his senior night I will be walking out there without Keith. Nick will be introduced as the son of Kristy Baxley and the late Keith Baxley. My heart broke a little bit more.

I have to stop now. I'm crying. My counselor told me just this morning that it's important that I don't hold back when I am crying. If I keep going, I'm libel to talk my self out of crying. Crazy I know, but that's me.


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