I have been on an emotional roller coaster the past couple of weeks. I finally had to go to the doctor (on the recommendation of MLC) to have my antidepressant adjusted. I am beginning to feel better. I am soooooo glad!
I'm certainly not on happy pills. Tuesday night and pieces of yesterday and today have been a little tough. Tuesday night I went to my grief support group I have been going to since about 1 month after Keith died. I have been going long enough to know that the possibility exists for me to encounter something or someone that can trigger some kind of emotional pitfall/response. Tuesay night was one of those nights. Hearing a recent widow pour out her heart about the loss of her husband just broke my heart. I had hoped that the medication changes would keep that slippery slope from appearing.
The bad of it is that the medication doesn't (or hasn't yet) keep the slippery slope from appearing and it doesn't stop me from sliding down it. The good of it is the slope didn't end in a crash and the slide down wasn't very long.
I didn't come apart emotionally, but I was very sad. I didn't go into another episode of depression, but I was down.
After talking with MLC* and MLD*, I now know the new medication won't stop me from reacting to the stress I am under and the grief I bear. It will help me keep a better rein on my emotions. I have to say that I was disappointed about my reaction to grief group the other night. I had been feeling so much better. I thought that meant the end of feeling this consuming sadness and grief that has been my ever present companion.
*MLC-My Lovely Counselor
*MLD-My Lovely Doctor
Well...I was right and wrong. It is true that I have been feeling better. Hopefully, I will continue to feel even better as the medication reaches therapeutic levels. I was wrong in assuming that the medication would take away the sadness and grief. As I stated earlier, these are not happy pills. I am going to feel sad and grief. It comes with the territory.
I guess part of my concern was that feeling better wouldn't last. After talking with my "lovelies", I know that the feeling better will continue, but so will the dips down. Yeah and bummer.
That is what life is though. It's about the up's and down's. It's about how we handle them. It's about perseverance.
That's about all the rambling I needed to get out.