In grief group, it is often mentioned that the days leading up to a holiday/special day are worse than the actual day itself. As the last 16 1/2 months have passed, I understand what that means. I have actually experienced that as well. Today, as I mark time until the second Thanksgiving arrives, I find it to be the opposite.
I was really looking forward to Thanksgiving last week. I'm not anymore. Now I find myself thinking about it being just another holiday without Keith. I've made it through all of the firsts. The rest of them are just designed to cause me more hurt, more heartache, more grief, more pain.
Oh yeah...it's going to be that kind of post. It's the way I am feeling tonight. I'm really having a tough time right now. The last few days have been tough and it seems that there is no real end in sight. I have been through a lot during the last week. I was buying and selling a house. Now I'm not. Nick had a sick episode one night that might be the cancer acting up. I literally made myself sick with worry before I could reign it in. Kacie had an episode of sick that caused problems with her asthma. That caused me quite a bit of worry and to lose some sleep too. I went to my first wedding since Keith died. The wedding was beautiful and brought back some wonderful memories for me, but then the pain snuck in later. Now I'm not sleeping much at all.
Now I am angry. I am angry that Keith died. I am angry that things haven't gotten easier with time, but more difficult. I am angry. I am angry. I AM ANGRY!
I had my session with MLC today. He is glad to see that I am finally expressing some more anger. I have had some episodes with anger since Keith died. The episodes have been draining, but necessary. After all, anger is one of the stages of grief. Apparently, it is one of those emotions with grief that don't come with a time table. I guess none of the grief emotions come with a timetable. MLC thinks that every time I have experienced one of these major emotional dips in the last year +, I have reached a new level of healing. I don't see it, but I guess he would.
MLC isn't worried about me getting through this next several days. I'm not worried either. I just want it to hurry up and be over. I want the whole holiday season to hurry up and be over. I am not convinced that the first was the worst.