Sunday, November 7, 2010

In the middle

Keith died 16 months ago today. I realized during the day today that this is not the first 7th and it won't be last 7th. That means I must be in the middle. I find that with each passing day I am able to think about Keith without as much consuming grief. I still carry a lot of sadness with me and I probably will for a long time. There are times when the grief rears up and it hits me. It did in church this morning. Singing a hymn, praising God, and I got blindsided. The tears came faster than I could stop them.

I am more aware of these moments when I am singing and praising God. It happens a lot in songs that are about leaving the pain of this life behind and entering heaven. I just become overwhelmed with emotion thinking about Keith walking the streets of gold, talking with the men and women of the Bible, sitting at the feet of the King, spending time with my dad and his granny.

I like being in the middle better than at the beginning. I was told by MLC recently that a year ago I was a train wreck. That surprised me a little bit. I didn't think of myself as a train wreck then. The more I have thought about it, I realized that I was a train wreck last year. More importantly, I realized that I am not a train wreck now. I am learning how to live a life without my spouse and best friend. I am learning how to be a single parent. I am learning how to put myself first occasionally. I am learning a lot about who I am. I am learning a lot about my children. I am learning a lot about the kind of man my husband was.

I think I like being in the middle. Time will tell.

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