Seconds...60 of them in a minute. Seconds...the amount of time it takes for life to change dramatically. Seconds...the next round of plate filling at Thanksgiving dinner. Seconds...the term used to describe a manufactured good that doesn't quite meet the first run qualities. Seconds...what follows first.
It only took seconds for my life to change dramatically several times. Even though I know there are only 60 seconds in a minute, sometimes it feels like 60 billion. My second Thanksgiving without Keith is next week. That will bring with it the beginning of the second holiday season without Keith. The seconds are bothering me.
Don't get me wrong. I am relieved that I don't have to relive the firsts again. I don't think I really want to go through this second phase either though. Until tonight, I have been looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. It has to be better than last year. I was also driven by the excitement of buying and moving into a bigger house. Getting my house ready to go on the market was the yuck part, but necessary. I was really looking forward to getting a fresh start.
Notice that I am speaking in the past tense...was. My plans changed in a matter of seconds yesterday. Yesterday, everything looked great for the plans to move into a new phase of life for me and the kids. Yesterday, I was under contract to buy a bigger house. Yesterday, I was at peace with selling my house and taking on a mortgage when I don't have one now. Yesterday, I was looking forward to laying the ghosts of the bad memories to rest and only bringing the good memories with me.
Yesterday, it all fell apart. I found out that I wasn't given all of the information I needed in order to be able to make a sound financial decision. Yesterday, I found out that I can not afford to move. Yesterday, I had to tell my children that we weren't leaving this house for something bigger and better. Yesterday, I learned the hard way that there are people out there who are willing to lend you money that you can not afford to pay back so that you can buy a house that you can not afford to make payments on. People that will tell you everything is wonderful, shiny and gleaming. Then in a matter of seconds, it becomes glaringly clear that you were taken advantage of. It becomes clear that you narrowly missed making a huge decision that would have had a huge negative impact on a family that has already been through more than most.
Thank God for second chances. Thank God for watching over me and keeping me from falling into this pit. Thank God for putting people in my path that had the knowledge to look everything over and see the mistakes that I couldn't see. Thank God for my home that isn't perfect, is too small, and needs some work. Thank God that it is mine. Thank God that we have somewhere to live that is paid for.
I know I have been rambling. There is a lot on my heart and in my head tonight. Just venting the little bit about the house deal has helped. I wish we could have gotten this house. It was a really nice house. I am thankful that God answered my prayer. My prayer during this whole house thing has not been for Him to allow me to have this new house. It has been for Him to protect my finances, to protect me from making a mistake, to show me what His will is not mine. With everything, that was going so perfectly smooth it's crazy, to fall completely apart as quickly as it did, I can only believe that God heard my prayer and answered it. It wasn't what I wanted, but it is certainly better in the end.
Another example of remaining in His grip without even realizing it.