Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tired of...

Warning: This post is likely to be full of whining.

I am so tired in about every way I think is possible to be tired. I think that I am having some issues with the depression again. I am tired of dealing with this depression. I am tired of not feeling in control of my emotions or my state of mind. I am so tired of grieving too.

Yep, I said it. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of being a widow. I am tired of being a single parent. I am tired of playing this game or riding this ride. I am the person on the roller coaster screaming, "LET ME OFF! LET ME OFF! LET ME OFF!"

OK God! I am ready to get off this ride. I am ready for my life to resume normal. Oh yeah...I forgot that normal doesn't exist in my world. Okay then. I am ready for the storms to stop, for calm to reign, for the stress to ease, for healing to be complete.

Today I was finally able to get back to the gym. I took a step class and then I stayed for Bodyflow. I love Bodyflow. I don't do it very well, but I still love it. What is Bodyflow? It is a workout class that concentrates on Pilate's, Yoga, and Tai-Chi. I love, love, love this class. The last part of class is for relaxation. We focus on breathing and relaxing. One part of that exercise is to go to some place in your mind where you feel good. Some place where you are happy. When I have done this class before, my place has usually been the beach. Not today. The place that popped into my head was to be with Keith again.

That makes me feel like my mind is turning against me. I miss Keith so very much sometimes that I can not grasp the reality that he is truly gone. Between my mind automatically turning toward being with him when I can't and the PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) forcing me to relive the trauma of Keith's illness and death, I feel like I am losing all sense of reason.

Yes, MLC knows. He is working with me on it. He also has some other treatment options in mind that we are discussing. One of the things we have already begun is trying to desensitize me to the traumatic memories that I keep reliving. I basically have to talk my way through which ever memory surfaces. I will have to keep talking about it until the memory no longer sets off the reaction. I was wiped out after my last session with MLC. The good news is I can tell a little bit of difference in the strength of the particular memory that we talked about. It's not a huge difference, but being able to see a little bit of an improvement is good.

Did I mention that I am tired?

I've been taking a lot of naps lately. Most everyone thinks that's great. I don't. In my "normal" self, I'm not a napper. I never have been unless I was sick, pregnant, or up all night with a sick one. (Started to say kid, but then I remembered that I have been up all night with Keith before.) I'm tired of feeling like I need naps. I'm tired of being tired.

I guess I can quit whining now. Don't say I didn't give you fair warning dear reader. I did.

Before I forget to mention it, Nick's Birmingham appointment for next Thursday has been moved to Monday. Nothing is wrong on our end. The doctor will not be in clinic on Thursday, so we got bumped up. No big deal. It's happened before. It will probably happen again.

I'm tired of going to Birmingham too.

Since I'm so tired, I'm signing off and going to bed.

Good night!

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