Monday, April 5, 2010

death, resurrection, and recovery

Odd title for a post, but it covers everything that I am writing about.

Yesterday was Resurrection Day aka Easter. I like calling it Resurrection Day. Yesterday was the first holiday I have experienced since Keith's death that I was not filled with such intense and consuming grief. Celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ yesterday was perhaps the most different Easter for me in my entire life. I came to the realization that the reason we celebrate the most important holiday in the Christian calendar is the reason that Keith is where he is today. It's the reason he's been there from the moment he breathed his last nearly 9 months ago. Christ dying on that horrible cross allowed my husband to be in heaven. I was and still am in awe at what Keith must be experiencing in heaven. Yesterday, my husband got to see the nail scarred hands. My husband got to kneel at the feet of the King.

I can not grieve Keith's death anymore. Not after yesterday. Not after realizing what a different Easter this was for me. I was/am happy that Keith spent Easter with Christ and not with me and the kids. Believe me, this is very difficult to write. I still feel his absence very strongly. I still miss him. I still love him very much. I still cry, but it's all for me and the kids. It isn't for Keith anymore. I simply can not grieve his death anymore, because of where he is and who he is with.

I am finally at peace with his death. God has been at work within my heart for the past few weeks. I thought it was just an after effect of the anesthesia and drugs from my surgery. I have spoken at length with MLC about what I have been feeling. I have been confused, overwhelmed, and troubled with doubt. I have prayed a lot. I finally remembered that God does not deal in confusion and doubt. I finally realized that God must be doing something, because I felt like I was being tortured. I do believe that Satan decided to pick on me again. Thanks to MLC and a few others, I was able to see God's hand at work. Every piece of doubt and confusion dropped away. I find that I am at peace. I find that my heart is healing. I am able to see that God has been working within me all along. There are indeed only one set of footprints in the path behind me.

So, my heart is recovering. I can finally see it. I am finally accepting it. I do wish my body would recover from surgery though. I am not a patient patient. God is teaching me about patience again too. I over did it yesterday. I am paying for it today. I am frustrated at being limited. I am frustrated that I still tire easily. I am waiting for the day when I am fully recovered. I have to keep reminding myself that I am only 2 weeks post surgery today. I do feel better than I did last week. It helps me to remember that.

The kids are doing well. Kacie is having a more difficult time than Nick. I really tried to impress upon both of them yesterday to try to be happy. I tried to explain what I feel in my heart. It is difficult to put into words. I have gone back and read what I have written and I feel like I haven't fully put it all into words. I am going to pray that God will show you what I tried to put into words.

Until next time, I remain...

In His Grip,

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