I have another post that is in the works, but my emotional state today has caused me to change my mind about that post and write this one instead.
The realization that it was one year ago today that Keith suffered the seizure hit me at full speed this morning. I feel like I cried for hours. I have been somewhat confused as to how I could feel so much pain/grief when I have been in such a better place. After speaking at length with a very dear friend, I came to realize a few things. Even though I am in a better place, there will be times when the grief still gets heavy. The new place means that I should be able to move through the grief a little quicker than in the past. A second realization is that all of my grief wasn't because of Keith's death. I am also grieving for myself, for my loss. That seems to me to be an odd way of looking at grief, but there are times when I think I am grieving more for myself and what I have lost. In care giving for Keith and Nick, I have given up a lot. Don't get me wrong. I would do it all over again, without ever giving it a second thought. A part of my therapy has been to accept my role in Keith's and Nick's care and accepting that it has been a really tough life. The third realization I came to is that today marks the day last year when our life went from bad to worse. One year ago is when I truly began to wonder if Keith's death was imminent. That's not saying that I was accepting that outcome or that I was losing faith and hope. It just means that in all honesty, in those quiet times in the late of night, I would wonder. The "what ifs" were rampant. In my mind, one year ago today marked the beginning of the end of Keith's fight and his life.
All of that being said, today has been difficult. I wasn't expecting how difficult it would be. I have been able to keep busy enough to keep my mind off of it. I expect that when I am in that quiet place in between awake and asleep, the grief will catch up.
I have been faced with a couple of material losses that shouldn't make a difference, but they did leave a dent in my armor. Keith's laptop got a virus and died. It is in my brother's capable hands. I am hoping and praying that he can get my family pictures off of the hard drive. I don't know if all of them were backed up. The laptop was my gift to Keith for Christmas 2006 when he was diagnosed as terminal. I wanted to be sure that Keith could enjoy his favorite past time, even if he didn't feel like getting out of bed.
The other material loss is our deep freezer. It belonged to Keith's grandmother. When she passed , we were the recipients of this freezer. It wasn't ancient by any means. It was actually relatively new when we got it. Anyway, it died and I had to clean everything out. That meant going into the garage. I don't go in there very often, which is why I didn't know it had died until things were pretty bad. It is the one place in our house that I still have a difficult time being in. It was Keith's space. It is tough on my heart to be in there.
So, I cleaned out the freezer, finding a few packages that Keith had written on in the back part. Then I realized that I couldn't get the freezer out for the scrap pickup by myself. Luckily, my neighbor came to the rescue and helped me get it out of the garage.
I know none of this may make sense. I have come to realize that there isn't much about grief that makes sense. That is partly because we weren't meant to experience grief. God created man and woman to live in the utopia of the Garden of Eden, not in a sin filled world. Once sin entered the world, man and woman had to learn to deal with the results of sin. Grief is one of those results. Grief simply doesn't make sense. I wish I could make more sense of grief sometimes. I keep telling myself that these latest losses are just things. These things are directly related to Keith though. It feels like losing a piece of him all over again. I will be glad when I am past this stage where these little losses don't have such an effect on me.
That is my day today...emotionally at least. It's been a tough one. I know that there will be more tough ones to come as I quickly approach the one year anniversary of Keith's death. There were a lot of tough times one year ago that will be difficult to face when the memories and feelings surface.
Until next time, I am doing my best to remain...
In His Grip!