Monday, April 19, 2010

Very open and honest

Be warned. I am being very open and honest about my emotional state of mind. I don't usually open myself up this much in this forum. I usually hold back just a little. I am opening up about my struggles during the past few days. This is very difficult to write partly due to the simple fact that I am having trouble putting what I am feeling into words.

All of the many different emotions that I am feeling right now are confusing. I am still in the better place concerning my grief and dealing with Keith's death in the present sense. I think now what I am dealing with are the emotions that I didn't have the time to deal with last year during the last weeks of Keith's life.

MLC thinks that is probably what is going on. That and post traumatic stress disorder. When I spoke with him today, he even mentioned that the antidepressant I am taking may not be as effective anymore. I hope that isn't the case. I hope that this time in my emotional life is simply due to a lot happening at once.

Here lately I haven't known how I was going to get through each day. I have though. I've even almost made it through today which has been tough.

I know that a lot of this doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me either. Assuming that I am finally dealing with all of the long suppressed emotions, I will try to explain.

Saturday marked one year since Keith suffered a major seizure. On Saturday, I experienced a huge emotional overload that consisted of flashbacks of everything that I saw and did during the seizure. I was overwhelmed with the feelings of fear, sadness, acceptance, some grief, but the acceptance was the biggest emotion. The fear was likely a result of the post traumatic stress disorder. I was feeling fear that Keith would die before the paramedics could get there and I wouldn't have done enough to save him. The reality is that I was able to get Keith through the seizure and breathing again. The reality is that Keith didn't die before the paramedics arrived. Reality and the flashbacks have been warring against each other. It doesn't take much for me to not only "see" the seizure unfolding, but "hear" everything again as well.

All of this leads directly into acceptance. I am faced with accepting not only my new reality of a life without my spouse, but I am having to accept what happened last year and my role in that. Even though my head has already accepted everything that happened last year, my heart is just now coming to terms with it all. I think that I simply didn't have time to deal with the emotions of the whole thing. MLC is thinking that might be a train of thought to further explore.

When I take a step back and I look at the "gory" details of one year ago, I hurt for the woman that was trying so hard to keep everything and everyone going. I am having to come to terms with the fact that ALL of this happened to me. I am having trouble with the fact that I am THAT woman. When in the midst of such turmoil, I didn't stop to think about how I felt. I was so consumed by caring for Keith and the kids that it just never occurred to me to allow any emotions to surface. I don't think I had the energy to deal with it then. I honestly am not sure that I have the energy to deal with it now, but it seems that I don't have a choice. These emotions are here and they demand to be dealt with.

So, each day since Saturday has brought with it a different memory from last year for me to deal with. Each memory brings with it different and consuming emotions. Sunday was a really bad day, both physically and emotionally. I just had to rest. I simply didn't have the energy to do much. I stayed busy with some computer work that needed to be done. I kept my mind busy while my body rested, because I didn't want to be consumed with the emotions that were so close to the surface. On Sunday of last year, we began to learn exactly how bad the situation was with Keith's health. Today, I have felt better physically, but I feel like I have been slogging through molasses emotionally. On Monday of last year, we began to meet with the various doctors and the new plan was unfolding. In my mind today, I have battled with memories of Keith looking at me and apologizing for making life more difficult. I have battled with memories of being afraid to leave the room to even take a shower because he might have another seizure.

I am battling with the memories and emotions of the past while still trying to take care of today. I feel completely and totally overwhelmed. MLC has given me lots of very good advice that has seen me through the worst times during the past three days. Today, he gave me one more small task to add that will hopefully help me get through this emotional muck.

I have come to terms with Keith's death. I believe that it is time for me to come to terms with the events that led up to his death. If that isn't acceptance, I don't know what is.

I am so thankful that I have a loving and faithful Father who will continually hold me and carry me. There have been times that I have only been able to cry out, "Oh God". I know that God is carrying me through this and he will not drop me. There are indeed only one set of footprints of in the sand.

Until next time, I will remain...

In His Grip!

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