I took the kids to Mississippi during spring break to visit with my very good friend. On the way home, we made a stop in Birmingham for a visit with Nick's oncologist. Everything went well there. The oncologist does have some concerns about Nick's IGG level remaining so low. It has been in the 300s for the last two months. Nick's level hasn't been that low since he was actively receiving chemo three years ago. The doctor is going to run some more tests to try to determine the root cause of the immune deficiency. It could be several things, including the cancer. I am choosing not to focus on the what if's. That will make me crazy. The initial tests will be blood work. I don't know how long it will take to get the results, but I will certainly share the results when I get them. The tests will be done at Nick's next appointment on April 15.
The kids spent the last weekend of break with their grandparents. I spent the weekend trying to get things done around the house in preparation for my surgery on Monday, March 22. One of the things that I did (at the encouraging of my mom) was to rearrange the living room again. I also bought a couple of pieces of furniture that increased my storage. I love my living room now. I can be in here and feel at peace. It has been very difficult for me to feel at peace in this room since Keith's death. This is the room where he spent his final hours struggling to breathe, and I felt utterly helpless. I am glad I can feel at peace here now.
My surgery was on Monday, March 22. Everything went the way the doctor expected. I have spent the week in recovery mode. Even though the procedures I had done are considered minor, I have experienced pain that I never imagined. I can truly relate to how Nick and Keith have felt after all of the procedures they have had over the years. I have tried really hard to be a good patient. I think I've done okay. I have fallen prey to overdoing without realizing it. I pay for it the following day. That's where I'm at today. I over did yesterday. I am paying for it today. I will be glad when I am recovered and I can be myself again. I think it is safe to say that I am an impatient patient.
As for my procedures...I had a D & C, an endometrial ablation and cauterization, and a tubal ligation. I have been having female problems for a long time, and they only increased after Keith's death. My doctor hopes that these procedures will stop the problems I was having. If it doesn't, my next step will be a hysterectomy. I really hope I don't have to go there.
I can drive now, but it tires me out. I have only driven once since I was allowed to again. I am able to manage my pain with ibuprofen during the day and a pain pill at night. I've made that progression within the last couple of days. I am still having to nap during the day if I do anything, but I guess that's okay. I still can't do a whole lot physically, but that should get better within the next couple of weeks.
I had several days that there was a reprieve from my grief and sadness. MLC thinks it was probably due to the anesthesia and drugs. I was hoping that I had made some sort of transition, but MLC was right. He'll be thrilled when I tell him that at my next session. The grief and the sadness began creeping back yesterday. It has settled over me. I have had some feelings that have been difficult to deal with. My grief group leader told me that while my feelings are understandable, I really don't need to let them take hold. These feelings of disloyalty and guilt will only hinder my healing. I am having to hold onto faith that God does have a plan for me. I have to accept that this plan does not include Keith. I have to accept that in weakness, strength is found. I have to accept that I will have to grieve every little piece of my life with Keith in order to fully heal. I have to accept that one day I will be happy without Keith as a part of my daily life. I have to accept that Keith is a part of my life in my heart and my memories. As I move forward, there won't be more memories made with him. I have to accept that the final chapter of his book has been finished, and the book closed. I have to accept that for me, it was only a chapter that ended. My book isn't finished yet.
Sorry for the long post, but that's where I've been during the last couple of weeks. It has been busy at times, tough at times, challenging at times, even enjoyable at times.
I am trying to focus on remaining...
In His Grip!