Sunday, March 7, 2010

8 months

Today marks eight months since Keith died.

In so many ways, I feel like I am still just beginning this journey of grief. Then there are times when I feel like I have been on this road forever.

I miss him so much. That is one feeling that doesn't lessen with each passing day. There are times when the missing of Keith isn't as sharp and as painful. It doesn't ever go away though. Ever.

I am struggling with all of the stored away emotions of the last 14 years. I am having to work through them in a concrete way. I won't go into detail, because it is very difficult for me. I am having to give myself a large measure of grace, mercy, and patience as I deal with this place that I am in. MLC is very present while I am trying to work my way through this.

The fact that we are well into the month of March is difficult too. The realization that this month marks the beginning of the end last year. This month one year ago is when we got the really bad CT scan results. Knowing now what was to come, it was the beginning of the end.

My heart seems to be continually breaking with the sadness and grief.

There are soft sides to my grief though. There are days that the grief is ever present, like the missing of him and the sadness, but it isn't sharp and cutting. I can function with it. I can get through the day without feeling so completely overcome by the heartbreak, grief, and sadness. I can see the still tender, but healing in my heart.

Most days have pieces of the sharp and cutting, as well as the soft. Today is one of those days. This morning, the grief was softer. Now, my grief is sharp and cutting.

Today is eight months since my husband died. Today is eight months since I began on this journey. Today is another day that I am leaning on those Everlasting Arms. I am so thankful that I have Them to lean on.

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