Friday, February 26, 2010

It's been a week

This has been a week that I am not in a hurry to repeat. Overall, it hasn't been terrible. I know that I've had worse weeks in my life. This week has been a week that has been heavy with grief. This week has brought with it new grief experiences. This week has brought with it some realizations that I wish I didn't have to have. So, it's been a week and I am really glad that it's Friday.

On Monday, I had my first ever mammogram. That is one of the issues that MLD 2 wanted addressed. There was a question about something and that question needed to be answered. Thank God that the answer ended up being the absolute best possible answer...nothing.

I will say that I was basically freaking out Monday. I had to draw on every ounce of inner strength to hold on and not go into a complete panic about this test. I know for many it is "just" a mammogram. All women need to have them. It isn't uncommon to have a baseline at my age. It usually isn't a big deal. MLD 2 didn't think it was a big deal. For was a massive deal.

Why? Two very important women in my life have had breast cancer. It runs in my family. I had to look at the fact that breast cancer might be in my future when I was 17. Then my son was diagnosed with cancer...3 times. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and it took his life. For me, a mammogram equaled a test that looked for cancer. Every time some one in my immediate family has had a scan looking for cancer, cancer has been found. It was a massive deal to me. I was trying really hard not to have a complete freak out.

Everything turned out fine. I was freaking out for nothing. I'm so glad it was for nothing. The amount of relief I felt made me giddy. Thank you Lord for answered prayers.

With this test came a new experience with grief. I was faced with the realization that if I ever have to stand and fight cancer in my own body, I will have to do it without Keith by my side. I won't have him to do for me what I did for him every day for 5 1/2 years. My best cheerleader isn't by my side. It was a hard realization to come to. It's an even more difficult one to accept. Have I accepted it? No, I don't think so. I'm still dealing with all of the emotions tied up with this particular grief. It isn't letting go easily.

Another new grief experience I had this week was when I renewed the car tags. It was another first. When I went to make title transfers before Christmas, I forgot about transferring the utility trailer from Keith's name into my name. I didn't realize I had forgotten until it came time to renew the tags for the vehicles. I had to make that transfer of ownership. It hit me really hard that I am now the sole owner of every piece of property that Keith and I owned together. Everything is in my name now...the house, the cars, that trailer.

I feel like he is slowly fading away. I want to grab hold and hang on to each and every little piece of him. I'm not ready to let go. I know that sounds odd since it has been almost 8 months since his death. I'm just not ready to let go.

There was another new grief experience that happened this week. It had to do with the change in routine that Keith's death brought. I haven't had this particular one before this week. I'm still dealing with the emotions associated with it as well. I can't go into detail about it right now. It still hurts too much. I'm already pretty teary right now.

It has been a week. I'm glad it's Friday. I'm ready to wake up to a new day and a new week. I don't know what it holds, but at least this week is behind me.

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