Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Some days are harder than others

Today is one of those days. I am sad. I am feeling the weight of what I bear. Tomorrow is such a HUGE day! Tonight all I can do is cry. I should be in bed trying to sleep, especially since I have to be up in 7 hours. I can't. I'm exhausted, but I just can't.

I'm sorry if I'm not making a lot of sense. I think it just speaks to my state of mind right now.

A friend told me he wasn't surprised by the dishwasher miracle. It seems God does that a lot in my life. I've not been able to see it from that perspective, but he's right. I think how can I be so sad when God makes His presence known in such tangible ways? I don't know how, but I do know that I am sad.

I am sad that I feel like my husband and son are NEVER going to be free from the bonds of cancer. I don't let myself dwell on the "gory details" of my family's daily life. I don't spend near as much time crying over it as I did say two years ago. There are days though, when it gets heavy and oppressive. Today is one of those days.

Sometimes I can't even believe that I have walked as far as I have in my own shoes. I know it's really been God who has carried me, but today I feel every single step of the last 5 years. It's scary going into a day like tomorrow already feeling defeated. Do I expect bad news tomorrow? No, not really. We've been there done that so many times, it won't surprise me either way. What will be, will be! I can't change it. I can't control it. God already knows what we will be finding out tomorrow. I hope and pray that everything turns out well, more Nick's sake than mine. I hate watching him go through so much. It's terrible.

I hate watching Keith fight so hard when the battle seems endless. I hate feeling helpless. I guess I'm just full of it tonight.

I know that I'll be fine eventually. I just needed to vent some tonight, and that's why I created this site. So that I would have a place to vent.

I'm crying so hard now I'm having trouble typing. Thank goodness for spell check.

I'll update again soon.


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