This morning I realized that it isn't a huge leap to go from having faith that God WILL to thinking that God WON'T. I'll try to explain.
We found out some really hard news about Keith this morning. His cancer has grown significantly. He has started back on the hard chemo. The treatment protocol has changed. We will be coming into the clinic every week for chemo. Keith will also have to come home wearing a pump filled with chemo. Yes, he's back on chemo 24/7. Right now, the 24/7 stuff will be every other week. It may change. Every Monday for three weeks, Keith will be getting the hard chemo. The fourth week will be an off week for the hard stuff. Hopefully, that will coincide with the off week for the 24/7 chemo. That would give Keith a complete week totally off of chemo.
Okay, with that out of the way, here it goes. I realized that it wouldn't take very much for me to lose faith in God and His power over this situation. It would be very easy for me to become angry, bitter, and turn away from God. I realized that there was a point that I had to make a decision about how I CHOSE to react to today's news. I realized that it would be VERY EASY to let the hurt and the anger consume me.
I chose not to let it. I chose to turn it and all of its ugliness over to God. Instead of becoming angry, I tried to find something to thank God for. Now, granted my heart is still full of hurt, sadness, and pain, but I KNOW that God has not changed. He is STILL right here with us. The same way He was right there with us when we were sitting in the exam room this morning, listening as our world crumbled just a little more. It is frightening to come to the realization of how easy it would be to just turn away. However, I think that knowing is better than not knowing.
I don't know what is going to happen now. I do know that Keith is very sick, and he has been for a long time. I worry the same worry I've had for the last three years...that this will be our last Christmas with Keith. I worry how I am going to be able to take care of it all without Keith. I also know that I can't let those worries consume me either. I'm a confessed worrywart, and I always have been. I have to fight against worrying ALL THE TIME.
Please keep praying for us. We are in a tough place right now. It certainly doesn't look like it is going to let up any time soon.
Have a blessed day today!