The YEARS of constantly fighting cancer with Keith and Nick have all been spent surviving from one day to the next. Sometimes, it's been one minute to the next...one foot in front of the other.
I don't spend much time trying to dissect the events over the past 17 years. There is simply too much heartache and pain. Too many bad memories that threaten the good memories. What happened, happened and there isn't anything I can do to go back and change it. Keith and I made the best decisions we felt we could make at the time. No looking back. No regrets. That's been our motto for years. That is my motto still, although it is difficult to stick to it at times.
With my recent acceptance of God's call to become a teacher (Have I mentioned that to y'all? I'll have to check.), I have realized that what my friend has been saying is indeed true. We have been living in survival mode for a very long time. It may be more accurate to say that we have lived in both a state of transition and survival all these years. It's more like a balance scale.
Survival outweighing transition more often than not.
Now, we are living in a time when transition is outweighing survival.
Why do I say that? I say it simply from the realization that I am finally able to plan ahead. I am able to actually imagine and think about the future. I know that may seem like an alien concept to some. How can I have gone for so long without thinking about the future and making plans? It was because thinking about the future was too scary, too uncertain, too painful, and just too much. We were under so much stress with all of the health crises. I never felt comfortable making any plans or setting any long term goals. So much so, that I NEVER planned a trip without having trip insurance. I NEVER made a plan without there being not just the plan, but a PLAN B, C, D...and Z. My plans had plans.
Some of y'all are snickering or laughing. You know me and my plans.
I am still a little bit scared that my plans aren't actually God's plans. It's okay though. I am praying earnestly that God will continue to only open doors and windows that He wants opened.
I haven't set any unrealistic goals. My main personal goal is to finish my degree in Elementary Education. Even though I only need 2 1/2 years to finish my degree according to the program plan that I am in, I want to be finished in 5 years. I know all too well that life has a way of interrupting the best laid plans. The 2 1/2 year plan is with me being able to go to school full time. I'm not sure that is possible, especially since I have to work full time and be Mom.
My hope is that some day, the time of living in a constant state of survival will be just a distant memory...instead of a way of life.
Transition is actually the reality of life. I don't mind that so much.
I'm excited, nervous, and a little bit scared. It's nice to have a sense of a hope and a future. It's extremely comforting to KNOW that I am seeing Jeremiah 29:11 in living color!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
In HIS Grip!