There is so much on my mind these days that I can't seem to make sense of any of it.
MLC tells me to just get it out when things start jumbling up. Sometimes, I just want to scream at him, "But what if I can't put it into words? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THEN?!"
Come to think of it, I may have already done that...
Since I've been seeing the same lovely counselor for 6 years, there's probably not much that I haven't said to him. Poor guy!
So...I guess I should share what's on my mind.
The stuff with Nick is probably number one right now. As hard as I try to keep the what if's from circling, they do. Everything from memories of what happened with Keith to tons of memories of Nick's health problems. All of that just collides and combines to form a jumbled up mess.
It seems like I have so much circling in my head that I just can not seem to think straight anymore. It seems like as soon I begin to think somewhat clearly, everything falls to pieces and overwhelms me again.
I don't like admitting that I feel like I can't handle things. I don't like admitting here, in my journal, or to MLC. I know that I'm not Wonder Woman. I just don't know that I can "do" this again. I am sick and tired of cancer living in my house. I feel like I am constantly living in a state of chaos. I feel like I can't get a hold on anything lately.
It REALLY bugs me that it feels like life is ALWAYS in a state of transition. I don't want to hear any of this, "Everyone's life is always transitioning." or "God does give you more than you can handle." or "Every day is a new day." or "Just take things as they come."
That is my point. I am tired of taking things as they come. I really would like to be able to make plans. I would like to have enough money to take a vacation. I would like to NOT have to go to Birmingham ALL the dang time!!! I would like to have enough energy to get my entire house cleaned in just a morning. I would like to have a life that didn't involve a daily fight to keep depression, bad memories, creditors, and grief at bay. I would like a life that is just plain. A plain ole life that doesn't need to have a Plan A, B, C, and Z.
Who can stay in a rant with such sweet kiddos?!
I guess I found out how I can keep going. These kids keep me going.
In HIS Grip