Monday, February 6, 2012

Everything and nothing

It has been a while since my last post.

Things here are running crazy, and there seems to be nothing unusual going on at the same time.

I do feel as if I am at some sort of crossroads. I am looking at the road ahead, the road to the left and the road to the right. I know the road from which I have come. I could turn around and go back, but that wouldn't be what is best for me or the kids. The road would be comfortable in it's own way...maybe familiar is a better description. It's still not the way God has chosen for me.

It doesn't matter which path I choose, the road is going to be an unknown one.

I'm having trouble figuring out which road it is that God wants me to take though. I've been praying, yet I don't feel God pointing me in a specific direction. My maternal grandmother used to say that if I didn't know what to do, then just stand still and listen.

I guess that's what I've been trying to do...stand still and listen.

It's difficult to stand still when it feels as if you are trying to stand still in the middle of a hurricane. You know, that place that is right at the edge of the eye. That place where the winds are swirling every which way. Rain and debris keep clouding my vision. I have to go with what I know.

I know that we are in a routine, as miserable as it may be at times. Nick gets chemo and IVIG every 21 days. He begins a 5 day course of high dose steroids at that same time. Then the watch and wait time starts. The watch and wait time is the week following chemo. It it the time when the steroids really kick in and Nick's attitude becomes atrocious, the chemo kicks Nick's energy to the curb, I'm watching for the slightest hint of sickness to show it's face because that could send us straight into the hospital, and LIFE is still going strong. Kacie is still dancing 4-5 days a week. Nick is still doing his volunteer firefighter training. School is attended and homework completed.

My head begins to feel like it's spinning. I'm a single mom of a preteen and teenager. Oh wait...I'm a widow too. Oh wait...the teenager has cancer too. Oh wait...I'm trying to carve out some kind of life for myself. Oh kids want to live "normal"-ish lives, with normal ish activities and friends, trips and all of the things that "normal" ish families do.

Oh wait...the only problem is that we are not a normal ish family. We are a family that has been through a LOT! We are trying to hold it together, rebuild after loss, continue to grow, etc...

No wonder my head feels like it is spinning sometimes.

No wonder I don't know which path to take.

No wonder I'm afraid to take a step in the wrong direction.

Well...I guess it's time to hunker down and get ready for another storm. Wednesday begins the next 21 day cycle.

Wednesday is chemo day...

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