It seems that a big theme in my recent days has been for me to stand firm on my own two feet. Things have happened recently that have, in essence, forced me to see that it is possible for me to stand on my own two feet. Things that have opened my eyes to the fact that I have been standing on my own two feet. That standing firm on my feet actually equals inner strength, and doesn't have anything to do with having help.
That's not to say that I've done it alone. In NO WAY POSSIBLE have I done this alone. I have an AMAZING, AWESOME GOD that is with me each and every step of the way. I have some AMAZING AND AWESOME FRIENDS AND FAMILY without whose help I would not have made it to this point of realizing that I am strong.
I can stand. I can face each day and night. The weight of the burdens I carry won't crumble me unless I let them.
In realizing that I am strong, I've also realized that asking for help does not indicate weakness. Not that I have consciously thought that, but I've had this ideal that being strong meant doing every thing by myself...only asking for help in the most immediate times of need.
By not asking for help in the times that don't meet my criteria of "immediate" need, I have denied people that chance of a blessing. I have given life permission to have a hold over me that isn't necessary. Life doesn't have to be as hard as I make it sometimes. Yes, my life is difficult. Yes, there is a lot of heartache and burden. Yes, there are times when I feel like it is just too much. By not asking for help unless it's an immediate need, I am placing a great deal of stress on myself.
MLC has been trying to get me to come to terms with the weight of the burden that I carry for many years. I have resisted seeing most of it simply because it is a hard, bitter pill to swallow. Who wants to admit or even accept that your life is so weighed down by burden that it takes a therapist to help her see it? I certainly don't want to!
Well, the scales have fallen from my eyes. I'm living a life that requires an enormous amount of inner strength. For some reason, I have thought that I wasn't strong enough to live my life. I am living a life that requires me to have help. I simply can not do it all. I've spent so much time and energy trying to do it all, that I have lost sight of the fact that LIFE IS GOOD and WORTH LIVING EACH AND EVERY DAY!
The circumstances of life don't really matter, as much as how you deal with those circumstances. Dealing has many definitions. For me and my life, dealing means that I need to accept that asking for and accepting help is not an indicator of weakness. It is actually confirmation of a huge amount of inner strength and confidence.
A main tool I learned in dealing with grief, and the various emotions that come with it, is to re-frame the way you look at or interpret something.
I've been forced to re-frame how I view asking for and accepting help. I have been forced to accept that my life is hard. I am strong because of my faith, my friends and family, and I choose to be.
I choose to be strong not only in will, but in spirit. I choose to stand.