Yeah, well, guess what!

My "dating" strategies are not God's strategies for me right now.

UGH!

When am I going to learn to listen first and act second? Knowing myself the way I do, probably never!

I mentioned ( I think) in my last post about how God is working on me in several ways. He is calling me to live with a spirit of hope and peace, live without a spirit of fear, and to wait on Him.

The hope and peace I think I am doing okay with...as long as I stay in the Word and in prayer.

The fear part is a little more difficult. I am realizing that fear has had a strong hold on me in many ways that I never thought of or understood. This fear that I have is hard for me to describe. It's not fear of death, because I've seen death. Death for a child of God is not to be feared. Death for a child of God is going home.

My fears are of success and failure. I know. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it is what it is. I'm afraid of taking chances. What if I succeed? What if I fail? So, I tend to walk along, not taking chances, only going along with what I KNOW is a sure thing. I don't let myself dream big dreams, because they probably won't come true.

Oh yeah! Did I mention that I can be pessimistic? Being an optimist is something I have had to work at. It's not a new thing. It's been a part of my personality for as long as I can remember. As I've gotten older, I've become more of an optimist. It doesn't take as much work to look at the silver lining as it did when I was much younger. There are times though when Ms. Pessimistic shows herself and I have to shove her back in the closet with the other Ms's that don't need to be let out too often.

God is also teaching me more and more every day about waiting on Him. Y'all know I don't like waiting. I don't mean the kind of waiting in doctor's offices that I'm good at. I'm talking about the kind of waiting that involves patience. The kind of waiting that doesn't necessarily mean that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The kind of waiting that means you have totally and completely submitted yourself to God's will AND timing.

Submitting myself to God's will isn't something that I have had a lot of trouble with...I don't think. He may think so though. Hmmm. I may need to look into that some more.

Submitting myself to God's timing IS something that I have trouble with. I want to help Him help me. I like to think that I have prayed about something and I am allowing God to lead me along in His time, but in reality I am acting on some thought I've had and asked God for help after the fact. Kind of like the prayers that happen on exam day in school. "God, please help me pass this exam...even though I didn't study." "God, please bless what I've already done, even though I didn't ask you about it first."

I have found that this disobedience from me happens when I become impatient and I'm tired of waiting on God's timing. It's a flesh thing with me. I want to be in control of something, so taking things into my own hands (even when I've already given it over to God) seems like a good idea...until it falls apart or God applies some pressure for me to undo what I've done.

Then I become the pouting, belligerent child. "But Dad..." So the Father works on me until I submit and stop misbehaving.

I have realized that there are times when the only action God calls me to is to be willing to do His will. I don't have to actually DO it. Ooo! That's a tough one for me. I'm a doer. I am working on trying to recognize the difference.

Sometimes it isn't difficult to know the difference between being willing to do and being led to do. I had the opportunity to have a conversation with Kacie the other night about just that. I was led to do something without any warning. It was the still, small voice that when It speaks, YOU KNOW WHO IT IS!

Oh how I wish that everything were that clear!

So, my interpretation of what God wanted from me about the whole dating thing was wrong. He wants me to be open and ready. He doesn't need my help though. I thought He needed my help. Nope. He doesn't. He's got it all under control. My "job" is to be ready and wait on His timing.

So, I'm taking a deep breath and trying to wait on Him!